Mandatory alcohol training inspires drinking game

The mandatory training on alcohol safety is due next Wednesday. Here’s a new training-based drinking game to get you through the slog.

The due date for the “Alcohol Awareness for Students” training is coming up fast. I know how much of a hassle this can be, especially when it takes up valuable time that could be better spent at the liquor store or the local bar. For this reason, I have compiled a comprehensive list of seven possible drinking games to play during the training. Party on, my fellow alcohol consumers of legal age!

1. Take a shot whenever they show a really happy person with a drink in their hand in the background. But pace yourself because you will hit their binge drinking line real fucking fast with this one.

2. They say “perhaps” a lot. You could drink wherever they say “perhaps.” Or not, I’m not peer pressuring you or anything. Do what you want. This is a game, not a hazing—which, as you know, definitely does not occur on the University of Tulsa’s campus. It is against the rules. Do you think Pike is going to break the rules when there is no consequence if they do? Fuck no!

3. Hold on, did they just say that excessive drinking leads to sexual assault? Take a shot every time they victim blame, I guess. Damn. I expect nothing less, but still.

4. Ok, this is a bit nitpicky but “drinking causes drunk driving” is a weird-ass statement. It is kind of like saying, “playing cards while wearing clothes leads to strip poker.” Like, you’re not completely wrong. One is a requirement of the other, you need both cards and clothes to play strip poker, but it’s not a direct causal relationship. Shots every time they make use of the slippery slope fallacy, just please don’t drive to Taco Bell after.

5. If you drink, you will get a reputation as a party girl. Haha, that is definitely because of alcohol, not patriarchal power structures. I am glad that it is entirely the woman’s fault. I am in no way responsible or benefiting from this double standard. Another drink! Hell yeah!

6. 80 percent of students drink. If you are part of the remaining 20 percent take a shot! Let’s get those numbers to one-hundred baby!

7. Brad and TU administration, if you are reading this, I am gonna be real here. This training is kinda unhelpful. I get that we need to protect the university from lawsuits, but if you legitimately wanted to help students you could, I don’t know, actually have a counseling program that is not understaffed and incompetent. If I need therapy, I need it now, not in 6-8 weeks. Sure, binge drinking is partly a result of peer pressure and party culture, but personally, I think it has more to do with self-medication in the absence of effective and timely treatment for mental health challenges. Take a shot every time the university takes steps to ensure student well-being that isn’t entirely targeted at making sure they aren’t sued. This is the easiest way to prevent binge drinking.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison