Conscientious campus offers free Pizza as mental health assistance
‘Tis the season once again for students to begin experiencing stress, anxiety and depression. This is due to many factors: midterms, SAD, fluctuating weather, what am I gonna do after I graduate, etc. College students suffer many afflictions and the benevolent TU administration wants to remedy them in the most efficient way possible. “We want to address the mental health concerns of each and every student,” shared one TU official who prefers to remain anonymous. “That is why we have poured our resources into only the best medicine: Pizza. This innovative treatment is available to all TU students, free of charge. Simply stop by the next TU sporting event and show your ID and health insurance. Everyone has the right to good help, and I am proud to say that we have it in the form of tried-and-true tasty and greasy deliciousness.”
Though the FDA may deny it, Pizza has many proven benefits. Users reported that they felt less weighed down by their problem after excessive Pizza consumption. “It was as if all my worries had decreased, as my tummy ache increased. I have been struggling for years to defeat a Guiness World Record, and with Pizza I have finally been able to overcome all my trials,” one student user reported. Other users report feeling validated in their struggles by TU’s recognition of their need for help. “After Pizza I felt euphoric. It feels so good to be seen and helped by my college that definitely sees me as an individual who has their own unique mental health needs.”
Greek life on campus has really taken to TU’s new solution to mental health concerns. One mental health expert over on East 7th St. weighed in, “I mean, we already were doing ‘za on the weekends, so we appreciated that Brad is on the same page as us. Pizza fr is the main reason why all frat guys are such well adjusted people. We don’t have to worry about all that CAP stuff, Pizza is the real deal, no cap.” This statement was met with a cheer from all his fellow frat bros, who then ingested copious amounts of Pizza.
Many students, however, disagree that Pizza is the solution to all mental health problems. Several of them are afraid to participate in the usage of this new and untrustworthy “drug.”
“IDK man,” one student athlete worried, “What’s that gonna do to my body? I don’t want to use any performance enhancers or detractors, I might lose my scholarship. I ain’t about to solve my mental health struggles if it jeopardizes my ability to play.”
And the student athletes aren’t the only ones who have voiced doubts. “I feel like TU is just using Pizza as a band-aid to cover the deeper problems that college students are experiencing. I mean, Pizza is great and all, but why do we need it in the first place? Why are college students so prone to the strains of anxiety, burnout and depression? What is TU trying to avoid by pushing Pizza as the end-all, be-all to mental health concerns? How is it supposed to help us, really?” wondered one forgotten student in the Arts and Sciences, before exiting the scene hurriedly with a red dot on their forehead.
What is TU trying to hide? Or is Pizza really the newest and best assistance for struggling students? TU is finally responding to the needs of all students, and maybe they just deserve a medal for doing the bare minimum as an institution.
