graphic by Conner Maggio

Move out of the way Ned, there’s a new survival guide in town.

College can be a confusing and emotionally-draining experience, especially for a freshman fresh from mommy and daddy’s nest. In the real world of “adults,” freshmen are mere minnows in an ocean of rambunctious athletes, underrated art majors, impossible professors, screwed up relationships and lack of sleep to the point of becoming the walking dead. On top of that, college students are expected to have outstanding GPAs and graduate in a small amount of time.

With a bit of luck and persistence, the following guide will push students in the right direction toward the end of the tunnel where, hopefully, their diploma awaits.

Tip #111B – Tell the professor that you have a “stomachache”
Have you ever woken up hungover after a long night of “hanging” with friends and have to go to class? If so, and if you just want a day to recover so you can “hang out” again the next night, just email your professor saying you have a stomachache.

The professor might believe you, but chances are, because they are a professor who went to college themself, they have been in your place before and know every trick in the book.

Tip #247 – DIY AirPods
If you are a stereotypical broke college student who does not rely on your parents’ salary, chances are you do not have AirPods but desperately want to fit into today’s crowd. Fortunately, there is a simple solution to this frightening dilemma.

First, obtain a pair of scissors, preferably of the kindergarten variety because this is a safe space. Next, cut the cord on your wire earbuds/headphones right where the earbud and the cord connect on both buds. And just like that, you can be like every other person on campus who is walking around with hundreds of dollars’ worth of technology in their ears.

Tip #252 – You cannot have enough rubber
Chances are you are a hormonal adult who is or will be sexually active during college. If your momma did not tell you, always keep a rubber on you, in your bedside dresser, in your car and anywhere else you can hide the 2 by 2 inch wrapper. Heck, Alexander Health Center sells 10 condoms for a dollar. Bring $20 there, and you will be set for a long time.

If that (or other methods of contraception) does not suit you, then just keep it in your pants and be the pure student that your parents still think you are. Better safe than sorry, because no one likes to go to their school health center to get an STI test.

Tip #1 – Coffee, coffee and more COFFEE
Last, if you are in need of extra energy after a restless night of studying, purchase an overpriced drink full of an unregulated amount of an addictive drug, caffeine. Caffeine is every college student’s best friend and allows them to run nonstop for days when professors assign stacks of homework to do in as little time as possible.

Some would say that coffee drinkers are addicts to the legal stimulant that looks like liquid evil but smells like heaven. However, those people are crazy because they cannot understand the caffeine drinker’s fast language of caffeine high.

Also, if you hear someone say “toot toot” after drinking a cup of coffee, run away, because the smell that follows is horrendous.

Follow these tips and you will hopefully graduate college with a decent GPA, no unplanned kids and some of your sanity left intact. If not, becoming a meme creator or YouTuber has become a thing now for oversized children.

Post Author: Brooke-Lyne Holland