You’ve activated his trap card! graphic by Emma Palmer

Murderer plays Trump Card, charges dropped

Hans Johnson walked free after convincing the judge to ignore witnesses.

Hope came to Tulsa last week in the murder trial of Hans Johnson. Johnson, who was arrested in December after he stole a newscaster’s microphone to proclaim that “[he] definitely killed three people, why yes sir,” is currently on trial for a completely different murder that he also confessed to, this time on a radio show. Before his trial began, it was predicted he would serve 25 to life in a federal prison (but the ones with the good conditions that only rich people get in to), but then something changed.

The day before Johnson’s trial was set to begin, a legal loophole arose due to the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump wherein the Senate voted to call no witnesses. Johnson’s amazing (and contra bono) lawyer had a cunning moment of inspiration: cite legal precedent and bar the prosecution from calling any witnesses in Johnson’s trial.

The logic behind this OBJECTION was fairly simple: in the trial in the U.S. Senate to remove Trump from office, the Senate had to vote if they wanted to hear witnesses related to the articles against Trump. However, one by one the senators said nay, bringing a swift end to the impeachment trial. Why? Because if the result is obvious, there is no need for evidence.

This allowed Johnson’s lawyer, Mr. Moneylaunderbags, to claim, rather simply, “Take one look at Hans Johnson and you’ll know that such a charming man could not have killed anyone. All criminals are awful, and if someone goes up to a criminal, they know that this is the case. Mr. Johnson is a good, honest, God-fearing man. He would never do something like this, no sir! It’s so obvious that Mr. Johnson was framed!”

The judge in the case, the Honorable Judge Judith, was in a bind. If the Supreme Court Justice who presided over the Senate Impeachment trial had approved and agreed with this obviously sound logic, then this must be how it should work in the lower courts. Legal precedent must be followed, especially when the people setting it are illogical and taller than you. The Supreme Court of the United States is the tallest court in the U.S., so their word is law.

With that evidence in mind, Judge Judith had no choice but to omit the witness section of the trial. While this sped up the trial considerably (Judge Judith was able to get an early lunch!), some critics remarked that the result had not been fair. Hans Johnson was free after a 45-minute trial, and the very next day he was back on local TV with a new body and some pictures to prove it, crying “Y’all can’t catch me! Some little judge wasn’t able to put me in the slammer, so no one can! This is America baby, land of the free if you have the money to bribe the right people!” At that point, Mr. Moneylaunderbags reappeared, shoving his client bodily off the set. No charges have followed that episode.

Post Author: Hannah Robbins