Photo taken after the controller’s arrest. Graphic by Madeline Woods

N64 controller on parole after 20 years

After its landmark conviction and 20 year sentence, the N64 controller reflects on what it means to be a game controller in today’s society.

After 20 years in prison, the N64 controller was released on parole. The video game controller terrorized the hands of young gamers by giving them blisters in the middle of their palms before finally being caught in a shootout with police officers in the late ‘90s.
The game “Mario Party” often required gamers to spin the analog stick as fast as they could. People quickly found the best way to do this was with one’s palm, which caused blisters. Nintendo, Mr. 64’s lawyer, claimed that kids playing “Mario Party” could just use their thumb and forefinger.
The opposing lawyer claimed, “Yeah, but that’s just freakin’ dumb, man. It’s way faster to use your palm,” which won the Supreme Court case in a 9-0 vote.
Originally, Mr. 64 was sentenced to death by becoming obsolete, but Nintendo pulled a brilliant move to defend its client and released a ton of crap that was not nearly as beloved as Mr. 64. His sentence was then revised to prison time.
The judge gave his opinions on the reasons for Mr. 64’s release. “I mean it’s a controller. I really don’t even know if there is a law about that,” said the judge.
Since the controller began coming to America from overseas, many parents have worried about their children playing with them. This caused a divide in America as many believed the controller’s crimes came from the fact that he was a controller, while others claimed this was stereotyping.
Controllers’ rights groups blasted the conviction in the first place, and some believe their hand in the nationwide controversy helped to ease the judge’s decision. Some interest groups take credit for the national attention the case got in the first place.
“Look at that one guy. The football player? C. J. Stilton? F. U. Sultan? O. J. Simpson! No one had even heard of him in the ‘90s because people were still talking about the landmark case of N64 v. the U.S.,” commented an anonymous worker at the Committee for Controllers’ Rights.
In an exclusive interview, Mr. 64 shared his thoughts on the situation.
“Being a video game controller means everyone tries to use you. Sometimes you get blamed for others’ mistakes.” When asked, the controller seemed indifferent to Nintendo’s promise to give out gloves purely for the use of “Mario Party.”
Nintendo also refused to comment on the settlement, probably because he likes to pretend it never actually happened. Mr. 64 was very willing to talk about his plans, however.
“I got arrested when I was pretty young. Now that I am free, I plan to start a family, have a few kids, maybe settle down in a cardboard box in your grandma’s attic,” Mr. 64 told us.
Mr. 64 was last seen passed out drunk in a park after a string of bar fights. No one is sure if this is a violation of his parole considering he had no deadly weapon since his notorious analog stick was removed in prison.

Post Author: Brennen Gray