New TU weekly email greeted with excitement

Most rejoice but some complain as TU launches new weekly email “A Look at TU Last Week.”

A video released and obtained by The State-Run Media last weekend shows TU football players chanting, “New! Email! New! Email! New email!” The clip, while brief, sums up the state the university was in after the news broke.
Word has spread quickly of the new addition to the university’s captivating weekly emails. “A Look at TU Last Week” will remind students of the events that they missed last week. Preceding the previous favorite of students, “TU Events This Week,” “TU Last Week” will attempt to garner the same hype that its predecessor has achieved during the reign of the Supreme Email Lord Clancy.
After attempting to get an audience with the Supreme Email Lord, an email was received titled, “A Message from President Clancy.” The email did not pertain to our question.
Instead, an associate interviewed students in the ACSU.
“Oh. My. God. A new email! Yeah, I am soooo excited! It’s not every week we get a new email!” said a freshman business major.
“Fuck yeah, brother! I’ll drink to that! Hey, bartend, Smirnoffs for the whole hut!” exclaimed a student who could easily be mistaken for a 40-year-old.
“I just work here, I don’t have an email,” said the woman you could’ve sworn was 17.
“As a University Ambassador, it is my duty to inform prospective students about the resources the school provides,” answered one overly-excited student in a blue polo.
“I believe the most important thing that this university has provided for me during my time as a student is the multitudinous emails about events I will never attend! It puts joy in my heart to open my inbox to see the thousands of unread emails that I am far too lazy to delete,” continued the long-winded student. “Just seeing all of the opportunities that I have at this university makes me feel so involved.”
“A Look at TU Last Week” will be the capstone of emails at the university, serving as not only a source of shame and regret for students who fail to attend its increasingly-exciting events but also a tool for social change. The community leaders of TU hope that guilt will be the driving force for improving student body cohesiveness and school spirit.
In addition, the new weekly email will have an “Unsubscribe” button. A new student group on campus is lobbying for the removal of the “Unsubscribe” buttons from the emails. The group believes that “Information is power” and “The masses must be informed.” Their main philosophy is that if the crowd does not inform themselves, they must subsequently be informed by spurious emails. They appear to have garnered quite a large amount of support, attracting 10 likes on their Facebook page.
A subset of students wish for fewer emails. This taboo group has been openly persecuted by the majority of students, and here at The State-Run Media, we urge students to speak out against this hate group. If there is any information pertaining to malicious activities associated with fewer weekly emails, please contact Campus Security immediately.

Post Author: Thomas von Borstel