Dr. Mario will see you now. graphic by Emma Palmer

Nintendo did COVID-19

The video game giant created the global pandemic to increase “Animal Crossing” sales.

The people deserve to know the truth about COVID-19! To explain everything, let’s start at the very beginning: a very good place to start. It began with “Pokémon GO.”

A few years ago, Niantic released “Pokémon GO” and encouraged people to explore the great outdoors catching cute little virtual critters. Nintendo didn’t take too kindly to all this outdoor talk. It took all their consumers away from their video games.

That’s when Nintendo put billions into finding a solution to keep everyone inside. Their solution … a pandemic.

The news keeps telling us it all started with a man and a bat. Almost like Batman. But that’s not quite true. The man in question was actually a test subject in Nintendo’s Pandemic Division. They injected him with Luigi’s hat sweat, which caused the coronavirus and what we now know as COVID-19.

Nintendo’s plot worked much better than they ever could have hoped. Their man-made pandemic forced everyone indoors, took people’s jobs and even doled out some free wifi.

When they heard the good news of global quarantine, Nintendo took the next step in their grand scheme to rule the world. They released “Animal Crossing: New Horizons.”

With the release of “New Horizons,” Nintendo is training its players to survive on a deserted island, perhaps preparing them for a post-apocalyptic world. According to my research, Nintendo’s goal was to increase sales for the game’s initial release and then include a fuck ton of in-game purchases to increase revenue even more. All this would occur while Nintendo trains their “Animal Crossing” players for the destruction they have created in the real world.

Because of course, with everyone staying inside, the economy has plummeted (except for Nintendo), the environment has gone to shit and zombies are taking over Walmart.

After a few years, people will finally get tired of their virtual world and rejoin the real one. They will be ready to rebuild, and Nintendo will be ready to release another game and pandemic.

All this and more can be found on the subreddit, r/AnimalCrossingConspiracies.

If you still don’t believe me, how do you explain that Nintendo Switch you bought right before going into isolation? How do you explain all the “Mario Party” and “Mario Kart” games you’ve been playing with your friends? How do you explain your unrequited crush on Isabelle? How do you explain Tom Nook’s new-found control over your money and life?

Wake up sheeple!

Post Author: Michaela Bueche