No, no, you misunderstand. I committed tax fraud as a joke.

I don’t know why everyone is making such a big deal out of this. It was sarcastic. Jesus, nobody knows how to take a joke anymore.

What a bunch of snowflakes.I don’t know why everyone is making such a big deal out of this. It was sarcastic. Jesus, nobody knows how to take a joke anymore. What a bunch of snowflakes.

Liberals these days just don’t understand sophisticated jokes. I did it all on purpose so that when the Pandora papers dropped you’d all be like, “Woah, next level prank bro.” You people just do not understand humor. I would have paid taxes, but as a billionaire, I thought it would be way funnier not to—you know—as a meme. I’m just a silly goose. Is that a crime in Biden’s America?

Cancel culture has ruined comedy. Last year I was told that I can’t make racist jokes in my official work emails anymore and now “woke” liberals won’t even let me commit a federal crime as a joke? What gives! You laugh now liberals, but soon the woke mob will turn on you too. What will you do then? You have already lost your hero Andrew Cuomo just because he sexually harassed 800 people as a gag. It is only a matter of time before they turn on people who have never done anything inappropriate, like Biden and Bloomberg.

You know, just yesterday I was talking to my good friend Elon Musk and he loved my prank. I said, “Bro, guess what—being the jokester that I am—I set up an offshore bank account to avoid taxes,” and he responded, “That is so fucking rad bro, sick meme, aha, do you know I smoke weed? Redpilled and based. I profited off of apartheid.” What an absolute Chad that man is.

Do people like Musk deserve consequences for their actions? Absolutely not. We billionaires have contributed so much to society that we can do whatever we want. Would you rather we not make jokes on Twitter while we fuck you over? Of course not, the more meme-able version is far more fun. Don’t you agree? Just ask anyone in congress. Hold a vote on whether billionaires should have no consequences for their actions and it will win supermajority every time. Checkmate atheists (sick meme reference).

I don’t care. I’ll fund death squads and then say #resist on the same Goddamn day. What are you gonna do? Not buy my products? I own all the competitors. Haha, I have got you stuck in an endless loop of unethical consumption. Why do you use so many of my company’s plastic water bottles? You know that is bad for the environment, you should just drink the tap water that my company pollutes far beyond safe levels. You want treatment for the effects of the lead in your water? That’ll be 10,000 dollars. You just got fucking pranked.

You know what? I don’t care what the rest of you think. I am already planning my next sick prank. I won’t give it away completely but it involves unsafe working conditions, union busting and minimum wage. It’s so quirky. You’ll all love it!

Post Author: Kyle Garrison