Watch out for paper cuts! graphic by Emma Palmer

Not just kneecappings! Five fun, DIY ways to dodge the draft

DIY yourself out of having to die in a war you don’t agree with!

With all that silly stuff with Iran coming up and bombs and other lovely explosions across the sea (who really cares?), the draft has reared its ugly head and reminded men that for some reason you still have to sign up in case the country goes to war (a real one Congress has a say in). I’m personally exempt, so I’m not that bothered by the mess that’s going on around me, but in case you aren’t feeling like pulling a Tonya Harding, I have a few fun ideas to get you out of actually going to war if your number comes up.

1. Time Turners

So while some version of you might still deal with the draft (if I remember the “Harry Potter” universe’s version of time travel correctly), the actual you (you prime) could be 20 years in the past, rich as hell after writing down the winning lottery numbers on a beach in the Bahamas. Sounds much better than a war you might not agree with.

2. Catch Asthma

As anyone who’s watched a Marvel movie (anyone) knows, Captain America was unable to join the war on his own due to his unfortunate asthmatic tendencies. However, just get yourself a doctor who can be influenced by some twenties, and suddenly, so do you! And unfortunately that will leave you unable to fight for your country, as you so obviously want to do.

3. Commit a Small Murder

So you know how you’ve wanted to kill that one person for a long time? Now’s your chance! Just have a dramatic crime of passion without trying to cover it up, and now you have three free meals a day and you don’t have to fight (you just get thrown into them instead). Plus prison jumpsuits are all the rage in fashion right now.

4. Cold Hard Cash

As anyone who’s seen a Bloomberg ad in the recent past would know, cash can get you almost anything; however, little did you know that cash itself actually makes a great hiding spot! Take your huge pallets full of cash and just simply hide yourself in them. When the military comes knocking they won’t be able to find you. Literally. Plus if they even try, just tell them they can take some. That should prevent anyone from still having motivation to get you to join the army.

5. Catch Me If You Can

The last one is pretty simple: if you never keep a permanent address, they can’t actually find you to harass you for not showing up for service. Some might call this “being homeless,” but what it really is a unique lifestyle that more people can get behind. Plus, if you head over to Europe they have these youth hostels that seem fun to visit.

That pretty much covers it! If you’re looking for a few simple ways of avoiding getting drafted into the largest military in the world (why do they need more soldiers, honestly?), you’re covered. Let us know which ones you like best at

Post Author: Hannah Robbins