Poser Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing at The Wiggles concert. graphic by Conner Maggio

Ocasio-Cortez caught sinning in newest tweet

This newcomer to the political arena goes viral for all the wrong reasons. How will she recover?

Newly elected and recently controversial, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez keeps stirring up drama through her continued existence. A lone Twitter user with an anime icon alleged that AOC wore a “Wiggles” t-shirt to a Wiggles concert when she was nine years old, a classic poser move in the children’s music scene. The Twitter user then went on to imply that since AOC’s mother bought a CD, it is likely that they listened to the Wiggles on their way home. Two poser moves in one concert.

If the American people cannot trust AOC to not be a poser, then how can they trust her to be the punk rock candidate she appears to be? This startling revelations adds AOC to the growing list of false punk idols in politics, including Joe Biden, 80 percent of the Clintons, Jimmy Carter and future-resident Logan Paul. The American people are tired of these false prophets.

These controversies add to the increasing list of complaints against AOC. Not that she has done anything recently, all controversies are from five to 23 years ago. And as we all know, people are never allowed to do anything before entering politics, which is why the government is keeping clones of Ted Cruz in small pods until the day they can run for office. How can non-government clones compete? Well, the government already has an efficient way to erase your entire past. AOC needs to go into witness protection, lay low for several years and reappear as a totally separate entity.

The fact is that she simply cannot afford to do this like every politician before her has done. She spent her money on “campaigning” and “food” like a fool. Politics has been about how well you can avoid being yourself for years now. Which is why lizard people, a kind and gentle race, have dominated the political scene for decades.

But since AOC can’t afford these measures, or to rearrange her DNA to become a lizard, here are some helpful options the American people are likely to see AOC attempt. She could take a vow of silence to atone for her past deeds of doing literally anything. By using this method, she will ensure that she receives the elusive took-a-vow-of-silence vote.

Failing that, AOC could transfer her consciousness to a robot, which is infinitely less expensive than becoming a lizard, and use her newfound robot abilities to erase her “past.self” drive, thereby erasing any responsibility for previous actions.

AOC is the future of politics, so she needs futuristic options. And who has more accurately predicted the future than think-piece authors? Nobody, that’s who. Think-piece writers have always been correct in their predictions and feelings, which is why Alexandria “the silent” Mecha-Ocasio-Cortez is sure to rule the political landscape.

Post Author: Conner Maggio