Taylor Swift at her militia gathering graphic by Kyle Garrison

Only a gun can stop Jake Gyllenhaal

I used to believe in gun control. Then Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t visit Taylor Swift on her birthday.

This has been a hard few weeks for me. Once the idea of owning an AK-47 was entirely foreign to me. Now I cannot imagine a world in which I would not be able to access a weapon capable of swiftly killing anyone who slights pop star legend and feminist icon, Taylor Swift.

Do not misunderstand. I am not a republican. There is only one reason to be pro-gun, and it isn’t because the police will be more violent against an unarmed populace, or that laws already do not apply to the upper-middle class white men who are committing mass shootings so the laws will just be another way to feed mass incarceration of Black Americans. The only acceptable reason to have a gun is to kill someone for breaking up with America’s girlboss.

Once I was a pacifist, no more. I think many pacifists misunderstand the meaning of true action. Can we truly defeat Jake while following the guidelines of the ruling class? Status quo maintaining strategies like death threats on Twitter will no longer suffice. True change only comes with violence.

The preventive effect of an armed populace outweighs the effect of punishment. Not only will we make an example of Jake, we will prevent future Jakes from even considering not calling her on her birthday.

We all know that when Taylor said “And you call me up again just to break me like a promise,” she really meant that she wanted us Swifties to make that loser Jake Gyllenhaal fear for his life in every waking hour. He cannot hide forever. Taylor you can always trust us Swifties to read between the lines. This is definitely what you asked for.

Okay, I know everyone is gonna say “but what about mass shootings?” Hear me out, what if we gave all Swifties (but only real fans who have been listening to her since the beginning) guns and qualified immunity? Surely we all will feel safer the more people who have both guns and a vinyl copy of “Folklore.” If only there was a way to eliminate any chance of gun ownership for non-swifties.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy, who you know was trouble when they walk in, is a Swifty with a gun. As Karl Marx—self-proclaimed Swiftie—said, “Under no pretext should arms and ammunition be surrendered [especially if someone breaks up with Taylor Swift]; any attempts to disarm the people must be stopped, by force if necessary.”

Post Author: Kyle Garrison