President Upham reveals death ray to cheering crowd

It’s that time of year again. On Nov. 18 President and Mrs. Upham once again invited the community to participate in the annual tradition of Night Light at TU, that wonderful tradition of warm drinks and carols to our benevolent leader and his many weapons of mass destruction.

The New U was packed with students Tuesday since, as per usual, attendance was mandatory. Students were sure to be on the U by 5 p.m. and could be heard shouting praises to Upham and about how they “definitely weren’t planning to revolt in any way or ever transfer to ORU” in the direction of the University Ambassadors.

The event started in the usual fashion, with carols sung in unison by all in attendance. The crowd, led by Yolanda Taylor, started out with “Jingle Bells,” the beloved tale of how President Upham allows the University community a lovely day of sledding and “fun” every year. The carols quickly progressed through “Good King Stead” and “Of the Father’s Love Begotten.”

Then, as hot chocolate that definitely wasn’t laced with tranquilizers was served and the lights were lit, the moment we’d all been waiting for arrived. Sitting in the dry fountain area under the proud gaze of President Upham was his newest pride and joy, the University Death Ray.

As is tradition, a beautiful golden eagle was brought on stage so that all could ooh and aah at the death ray’s magnificence during a fantastic demonstration.

Freshman Eric Foster, who arrived less than a minute before the start and was the last student in attendance was heard afterwards telling his friends how happy he was with President Upham’s mercy and how he’s “totes the best president evs” because of the decision to make this year a golden eagle year. He could be seen shouting this loudly towards the group of University Ambassadors.

To commemorate the event, students were given a cute clip-on blue light for jackets, shirts or backpacks. We can be fairly certain that those lights do not contain trackers or explosives, as that would be redundant.

Post Author: westanderson

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