Queen’s death jarring for U.S. politicians

Numerous governmental officials in the United States have begun acting upon impulse in a moment paralysing the U.K.

Article republished with permission of The Telegraph.

In wake of her majesty’s passing, many American politicians have felt the reality of their own potential demise. Efforts therein have grown split between attempts to prolong further the unholy accumulation of years known only to U.S. politicians and to abstain from the stoic denial of pleasure-seeking.

Senator Dianne Feinstein of California was spotted attending a black mass mere hours after reports of the Queen’s death made headlines last Thursday. Feinstein, 89, had reportedly split ties with all churches of the occult as far back as 2018, when she won a fifth full senatorial term. The state’s senior senator slaughtered as many as five goats by sundown, one for each vertex of the standard sacrificial pentagram, and local media outlets reported speculation that she offered another soul to her dark lord in the form of a virgin, purchased with the aid of a little-known subsidy of the Biden administration. Feinstein has at this time already requested papers for a reelection bid in 2024, at which point she would be 91 years of age.

For President Biden himself, however, the day proved one of good humour. White House staff saw the president cracking jokes about the deceased Anglican and inquiring as to who currently qualified in the Stuart line of succession. The commander-in-chief likewise changed his tie from orange to green immediately upon hearing the news himself. In an impromptu meeting, Biden revealed to his advisers a new policy of nonrecognition for King Charles III, reportedly saying that “with the last vestiges of colonialism behind us, nothing stands in the way of Ireland uniting under a single flag.”

Many republicans have also begun behaving differently with the sober reminder of mortality, perhaps most notably among them Mitch McConnell. Multiple reports place him at a costume party in Harrison, Arkansas on Friday, Sept. 9. In a room where all other guests had donned sheet ghost costumes, the Kentucky senator had instead opted to break etiquette, arriving in a therapeutic mud mask that completely covered his face, presumably in an attempt to de-age in physical features. Party guests took the gesture well, laughing and jokingly pretending to throttle him.

17 different girls at a middle school near Fort Walton Beach in Florida also reported the district’s U.S. representative Matt Gaetz had redownloaded the messaging app Kik shortly after the Queen’s passing. Spectators have argued the move aligned only coincidentally with the tragic news, as Gaetz himself is much younger than other panicked officials. Others more willing to subscribe to the link have argued age might not matter and that his crisis does not necessarily constitute a purely existential one, that he may instead have taken the moment as a reminder of seeking the pleasures that make him feel young.

And many other politicians from the former colonies have made similar moves. Reports place Vermont senator Bernard Sanders at no fewer than 14 of Burlington’s hottest clubs and bars, ingesting cocaine, a Schedule II narcotic in U.S. law, off the arse of a dancer at two separate locations. Iowa senator Chuck Grassley and Missouri senator Roy Blunt confessed feelings for one another and have scheduled to depart on a European tour together Wednesday, Sept. 14, visiting Paris, Amsterdam, Rome and Athens. And finally, former president Donald Trump spent the week with family, sharing with one another what stories and secrets had evaded the hands of federal investigators.

Post Author: Zach Short