Question #1: Close your eyes. Imagine you’re walking through a forest. The sun is out, there is a light breeze, everything seems perfect and serene. You look down at the greenery below you. What’s your favorite genre of movie?
A.Horror movies – I love being afraid.
B. Comedy movies – Anything that will make me laugh!
C. I like most movies.
Question #2: You follow the path through the woods, the trees are tall and majestic, shading you from the world above. As you approach the end of the path, you find a house. Are you a cat person or a dog person?
A. Cat person – they’re so fluffy and smart.
B. Dog person – they’re fun and adventurous!
C. Either, both are cute.
Question #3: Whichever house you described, you approach it. The house seems abandoned, as if it was cleared out, just waiting for you. You see a door! Are you an indoor person, or an outdoor person?
C. A mixture of both.
Question #4: You place your hand on the door, preparing to open it. A deep, overwhelming sensation builds inside of you. What’s your favorite color?
A. Green – the color of plants and nature.
B. Red – the color of apples and love.
C. All of the colors are nice.
Question #5: Do you like cilantro?
C. I’m indifferent.
It seems that you might like cilantro. Tell me, have you always liked the taste of soap, or is this a new development in your life? Have you always been a terrible person? I hate to break it to you, but, your tastebuds are wrong. No, no, no, I don’t want to hear your “it’s genetic!” nonsense. Don’t patronize me. Your genetics are wrong. Cilantro is a heathen herb; the real devil’s lettuce. No, listen, I don’t want to hear your arguments. “It’s good in salsa!” Sure it is, if you like your salsa to taste like a frothy mixture of depression, loneliness and Dawn. I don’t care what you eat it in. I don’t care what you think it might be good in. You. Are. Wrong. “It’s good in small doses…” you say? It’s better in no doses. Because it’s awful. Just like you.
Fine. Why should I care? Keep your suds-plant. Yeah, keep eating your cilantro. Garnish your life with a nice leafy bundle of terrible. See how much I care. Plot twist: I don’t.
Wow. It looks like you don’t like cilantro? Have you ever tasted cilantro? Cilantro is a gift. Cilantro is the greatest thing that is ever going to happen to your sad, pathetic life. And here you are, dissing it? Incredible. Is your taste in everything terrible, or just food? I bet you microwave your steak too, don’t you? You have the tastebud range of a saltine cracker. Cilantro came into your life, prepared to love you, and you told cilantro “No! I don’t like quality! Life is terrible. I want everything to be sad and bland, just like me.” You aren’t worthy of cilantro’s love. Go back to your flavorless life, plebeian.
Congratulations, you won! You are the only correct person. Life is hard. It really is. And decisions are hard. But you, YOU didn’t make a single decision this entire quiz, and that, my friend, is what life is really about. Who cares if you like cilantro or not? It’s not some deep, introspective metaphor for life! It’s just an herb! People seem to get really heated about this topic, and by having an opinion on it, you’re inevitably going to anger somebody. What better way to avoid conflict than not deciding! The more you don’t care, the less chance you have of making someone mad. And that is the true meaning of life. So continue on with your apathy. It’ll get you nowhere in life, but that’s okay.