Sources confirmed last week that Indiana’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act managed to restore some seriously whacked out stuff.
“I was kind of hoping this bill would allow us to return to a simpler time,” said Indiana Senator Scott Schneider, who helped author the bill. “I wanted to return to a time when I was too young to understand how complicated the real world is. Now the social landscape is even more complicated than it was before.”
Since the bill was passed two weeks ago, dead religious traditions from all over the world have begun springing up in Indiana, including a resurgence in Mesopotamian paganism and Neolithic fire worship.
“When I signed this bill into law, I had no idea it would allow other religions freedom of practice,” said Indiana Governor Mike Pence. “At least now we don’t have to worry about the death penalty being outlawed,” he added as he plunged an obsidian dagger into the heart of an adulterer as part of a ritual to appease Mictlantecuhtli, the Aztec god of death.
Indiana Governor Mike Pence takes part in a ritual to appease the Aztec death deity Mictlantecuhtli as well as the Indiana public.
Elias Brinkman / Collegian
“This isn’t what we imagined at all,” said Sen. Jean Leising, one of the bill’s co-authors, watching a team of loinclothed workers placing a giant sandstone brick on an under-construction pyramid.
“We just wanted business owners to feel safe denying service on the basis of sexual orientation. Now we have to interact with even more people who are different from us.”
The bill, which many critics claim was intended to legitimize discrimination against LGBT individuals, seems to have backfired. Now, the Hoosier State is a prime destination for cults, monastic orders and long-dead religious practices.
“It used to be that I just had to shoo the occasional gay out,” said Bradley Nicholson, a baker specializing in heterosexual Christian wedding cakes.
“Now I’m only comfortable around one in ten customers,” he added, shaking his fist at a group of Hare Krishnas across the road.
At press time, there has been no word on whether or not Indiana will be smitten by God for allowing people of other faiths to live within its borders (Deuteronomy 13:12–15).
