Seven fast facts about the presidential alerts

Confused about this new presidential power? Look no further than our reliable list.

1. It set the record for largest mass ghosting. Our dear president was ghosted 225 million times in under 24 hours, barely squeaking by the former record held by a haunted mansion. No word yet on how POTUS will respond to the giant cold shoulder, but we may hear a few angry tweets in the future. Look on the bright side here — now no one but our president can say they have the worst luck with relationships!

2. The technology could be used to make the world’s biggest GroupMe. If you had a way to send a text to everyone’s phone in the U.S., you could just throw that into your new favorite group-chatting app and let the floodgates open! We are talking over 200 million memes, 500,000 gifs, and 100,000 polls to see where your squad wants to eat dinner per second. Now, the amount of spam everyone would get could be catastrophic. But hey, imagine getting over 100 million likes!

3. It is pager compatible. For those of you who are darn Gen Z’ers, a pager was what people like your parents used to use to communicate. It was invented just after the dinosaur. Our dear President D Twiddly wants to send the message to his BFF Kim Jong-Un whose top scientists have just developed a pager for their space program. KJU meant to text back something like “ILY2 lol,” but he had no idea how to insert the floppy disk into the little box.

4. Single people can now say they have gotten more texts from Donald Trump than a significant other. Sad but true here. This also means that on that fateful day, you were more likely to get a text from the President of the United States than you were to get a date. Or to talk to your crush. You can even say that for a small time span, depending on the person, that Donald Trump has texted you more times than your own mother. OK, this is just getting a little sad now.

5. It was a butt dial. Now we are getting into the real nitty gritty. Turns out, after the president and his crew developed the software, the man never really meant to use it. He wired in every phone in the U.S., and of course his buddies overseas, and was saving it for a special occasion like July 4th, Christmas or Corporation Appreciation Day. Then he sat down behind his desk in the oval office, spamming America with his butt as he did so.

6. It had to be re-written 69 times. The original message read something more like “I am the BEST president and now I can send message over the phone!!! LOL [laughing/crying emoji].” Every time Mr. Trump was denied his current model for the message, he was grounded until further notice. Technically, DJT had this technology in 2017, but his controversial writing style set the project back 69 times.

7. Elon Musk was so mad. Musk wanted to be the first person to spam the entire country with his technology, but since DJT did it first, he has been in a mood. He drove over to the nearest TV station in a Tesla, bought said station, and demanded to be put on TV for an announcement. Apparently, everyone in the U.S. paying attention to someone other than him did not sit well at all.

Post Author: Brennen Gray