All scientists* agree that smoking is much better for your lungs than vaping. graphic by Naomi Dunn

Smoking healthy alternative to vaping

With new information emerging about vaping dangers, it’s time to return to the original cancer causer.

With all the buzz in the media about vaping killing people and being bad for your lungs, it can be so hard to get your hourly nicotine fix without feeling as though the world, and your body, is judging you. Luckily the scientists* over at REALTM industries have come up to a new healthier solution to vaping — just fucking smoke.

Now you don’t have to worry about contracting mega cancer in your lungs and can rest assured that you’ll die of good ol’ regular cancer — that’s 75 percent less cancer for the same sweet sweet nicotine price.

Not only that but we over at REAL™ industries have gone out of our way to fix so many of the other problems with vaping with our brand new product — no longer do you have to lament over the fact that people can’t see how cool you are because your sick cloud is mostly see-through. With our trademarked new black smoke technology everyone in your lecture hall can appreciate your wicked smoke tricks.

Don’t you just hate that sickly sweet smell that permeates your car, clothing and just about everything else you own? Well, we have designed our product to not only NOT have that girly cotton candy flavor but to replace it with the manliest taste on the market — TAR!

But wait, there’s more — We have interviewed over a hundred vape enthusiasts and asked what is their biggest complaint about their current system, and we are proud to announce that we have a solution.

We can now guarantee that never again will you arrive to your project group ready to hand over your work only to find, to your horror, that instead of bringing over the flashdrive filled to the brim with all the effort from last night’s 5 a.m. crunch, you have instead brought over your e-cig. In fact, we are so confident that you will never mistake our product for a flash drive that we are offering a money-back guarantee in the event it does happen.

Our miracle product is so incredible that it manages to bring generations together! No longer will you hear complaints about those lazy millennials or those government ruining boomers — both sides can now suffer together as they enjoy a drag on our revolutionary product.

With all these positives it’s easy to believe that our product is just too good to be true — it really isn’t, but who cares? You’re young and invincible. Don’t let your pop- corn lung future get you down. Enjoy what truly matters in life: smoking on benches around campus as people give you sideways glances. Don’t wait until it becomes mainstream, get ahead of the pack and buy your cigarettes today. Available literally pretty much anywhere.

*No actual scientists were involved in our research.

Post Author: Santiago Serrano