So I saw a movie the other day

So it was Tuesday. I was having a good day, I had a bit of money; I thought, “I’m gonna go down to the old arthouse joint to watch some steamy, sensual, good old fashioned indie film.” I saw “Knight of Cups.” Wowee, what a mistake!!

Christian Bale (Batman) plays a disillusioned Hollywood screenwriter who decides to fill the hole in his heart by fucking a lot of chicks. That’s pretty much what the synopsis said. I think, “OK, I can connect to that.” Coulda fooled me!!

Supposedly Bale is a screenwriter, but not once do you ever see him actually writing scripts or worrying about said scripts. The most you’ll get is a few shots of paper stacks falling during a good ol’ California quake. So you’ll be thinking throughout the whole movie, “What exactly does this guy do? All I ever see him do is go to giant Hollywood parties and fucking people.” You wouldn’t be wrong.

So Bale has an arguably great life, but he’s walking around like one of those animals on the Sarah Mclachlan commercial. It’s pretty ridiculous, also he’s always trespassing? Like, you can’t just usually fuck/talk to people on rooftops or on airport tarmac.

Speaking of the sex for one moment, there ain’t even one nip on screen, forget tender interpersonal dialogue afterward.

This is not why I come to the arthouse. I get nothing from this. And why is Batman so damaged after all this time? Sure you could say that the main character is a screenwriter who’s trying to bounce back from the death of a brother, but neither of those things specifically play a huge role in the narrative of the film. Dry those tears dude, shit happens! Meanwhile his other brother is living in a concrete block apartment above a Chinese dry cleaners with only a mattress, a wooden chair, a tube television, a tennis ball and a machete. Like, reassess your priorities man, you don’t need to fuck 6 different women during the same movie. That’s not how you’re going to fix your life, sex isn’t everything!! It can’t all be sunshine and roses though; I’ve got to admit, the movie was kind of pretty. The music was nice, too. It reminded me of something I heard on “Planet Earth.”

Post Author: tucollegian

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