Song ruined for local woman after ex posts about it

Tulsa local Laurie Westings used to love the song ‘Bodak Yellow’. It played on repeat in her car. It was her ringtone. It made her feel more badass than she had ever felt in her graduate-student- Friday-night-binge-knitting life. However that all ended when, scrolling through Snapchat, she found that her ex Izzy Moss had posted, to her shock and dismay, a video of herself lip syncing it to her story.
“She was wearing that dumb cat ears filter and had captioned it ‘Yaaaaaaaaaassss my new jam!!!!’” Westings described. “She stole my jam!”
Moss broke up with Westings two weeks ago. It has been rough on Westings.
“Laurie is cute and all that.” said Moss. “But she’s also so damn boring! I just couldn’t spend another Saturday night in watching nature docs.”
Westings has now been forced to remove all memories of her jam from her life and is now finding solace in the bottom of a bottle of rootbeer.
“I’m just really pissed because first I lose her and then I lose my favorite song?” Westings drunkenly explained. “And don’t tell me ‘Oh, what’s the problem? You can still listen to it!’because no! That’s not how that works! I can’t like something that she likes. No way!”
The measures that Westings has taken to avoid the song include blacklisting all music streaming sites on her computer, removing the radio from her car and writing a cascade of letters to Cardi B, the song’s rapper, to disown the piece.
These attempts have been mildly successful, but have unfortunately not been able to filter all mentions of the song.
“I was doing some late night research in the lab when a my phone rang, playing the song we do not speak of.” Westings recounts. “No one ever calls me, so I guess I forgot to change it. Anyway, I was forced to dunk my phone into a 12 M HCl solution I was working with. So inconvenient.”
“I’m just out here living my best life, and she’s over there acting crazy just ‘cause I like ‘her song’?” says Moss. “I’m glad I got out of there while I could.”
Crazy or not, life goes on for Westings.
“I know it can’t stay like this. I have to move on.” says Westings. “In fact, I’m currently fielding candidates for my new jam.”
Westing has abandoned her current research in polymer chemistry to dedicate more of her time to this endeavour. She is now conducting tests on songs to determine their level of badassery, swankability and whether or not her ex has knowledge of them.
“As of now, it’s between the fourth movement of Dmitri Shostakovich’s Symphony No. 7 in C major and ‘Fergalicious.’, but I’m open to suggestions.”

Post Author: Sara Serrano