Squatters in Lottie

With the recent plan to facelift Lottie Jane Mabee Hall totalling $420,000, the building sits in disrepair, with communal restrooms in a sad state. The staff at The Collegian have lost housing rights on campus due to frustration with housing situations, and have moved into the West side of Lottie Jane to make up for their lack of apartments.
The Green Police have been established on the West Side to cull the staff from spreading to the other side of the building. In a quote, the Green Police have said, “I’m gonna get to the bottom of this if it’s the last thing I do,” as a statement to the dedication they have for stopping squatters from getting out of the elements. The “Lottie Squatties,” aptly named for their ability to squat in the West wing of the building, have refused to comment outside of screeching and slamming doors at the end of dim hallways.
In a quote by one unnamed Squattie, “Housing rates have only increased since last year, and with almost a 4% increase, students are expected to fork over an additional $153 for the basic Tier 1 housing rate. How can students be expected to pay increased housing rates each year when the current housing choices are between run down buildings and rooms with mold?” This quote was heard through a hole in the ground between the 2nd and 3rd floors of the closed side of Lottie, and has not been confirmed to be true as of yet.
With updates coming in by the hour, the West side of Lottie has been locked down, with the Green Police running constant patrols. So far, the Green Police have caught three of the Squatties, but have not released names, ages, or social security numbers of those involved. Rumors have come in recently that claim the Green Police themselves are the ones staying in the West side, but these rumors are definitely baseless and there is no way they could be true.
With the most recent renovations happening on the East side of the building this previous summer, and finishing up by the first day of school, students moving into Lottie Jane were greeted with a grayscale color theme. The gray carpets paired with the gray walls, along with the gray doors, remind the students that they are currently living in a Charlie Chaplin movie, except they can talk. To surprise students on the West side, renovations will end with a theme including a small range of colors.
As a dig at blue and purple colorblind students, blue and purple will be the end colors used for the West side and a blue shag carpet will be installed into each resident’s room. To confuse these students further, blue and purple themes will be instituted into each restroom, the laundry room, and the lobby. Blue and purple text will be used for each instruction, and all signs indicating direction will be placed upside down, with the horrendously ugly shag carpet used as a curtain to decrease visibility in the building by at least 15%.
The Squatties have put no input into the potential renovations, yet they have ominously left behind Doordash orders with the names redacted across the receipts of their McDonalds, Chipotle, and Albert G’s Bar-B-Q.

Post Author: Alex Soeder