graphic by Conner Maggio

State-Run creates virtual assistant “That Bitch!”

Move over Siri and Alexa, there’s a new bitch in town.

The creators of the State-Run (Social) Media and Dating App bring you an all-new virtual assistant, “That Bitch!”

On September 20, Amazon released their newest line of Alexa products, including a new speaker, clock and microwave. We at The State-Run have decided to up the ante with our new product line. The State-Run completely independently decided on September 21 to also release a speaker, clock and microwave. But wait, there’s more!

Have you ever been taking a shit and realized you forgot your phone in your room? Now with the “That Bitch! Toilet” you can listen to music while you produce seemingly impossible noises. Or, take the time while doing your business to make some business calls! Multi-tasking is the way of the future.

Were you ever on a Netflix-and-pizza binge in your bed but were too lazy to get up and clean the crumbs off the floor? Never worry again about tidying up with the “That Bitch! Vacuum.” Disclaimer: will not pick up the mess that you are inside.

Bored of the typical fake news bullshit? Simply ask “That Bitch!” to turn on the “That Bitch! TV” and watch our continuous stream of State-Run Media propaganda. Who needs reality TV when you have the entertaining reality of our nation?

Think this is all that and the kitchen sink? Guess what, we thought of that too! “That Bitch! Sink” is just a sink, but it has our name on it, so you’ll buy it anyway for the low, low price of *$200! (*For each of 10 payments, shipping, handling and installation not included.)

Feeling lonely? Simply stub your toe, vent about your ex or yell at your computer screen freezing, and a chime of virtual assistants will be there at your beck and call, albeit with a little sass. Common responses to their name include “What do you want, you little piece of shit?” “Did you have to wake me up from my goddamn nap?” and “Fuck no!”

Unlike other virtual assistants, the State-Run Media shoots for equality and plans to release in a future update a male robot named “Son of a Bitch!” and a gender neutral virtual assistant, “You Fucker!”

At the State-Run Media, we are always honest with you. That’s why we tell you up front we will be using everything you say and do within the range of the camera and microphone for our choosing. This includes for future development, profit, to help the government track you or when we get bored and want some entertainment. Don’t worry, it’s totally legal and in the terms and conditions that you didn’t read.

Buy the lot together before they all run out! Order now and get the TU student and faculty special discount of one percent off.

Post Author: Madison Connell