You know what we really need? More subscription-based media services!
Apple now has a streaming service called Apple TV+. Since apparently their board members don’t believe the market for media services is already oversaturated, here are some examples of other companies followed suit!
Wal-Mart TV PLUS – That’s right! You can now watch a Wal-Mart Original Series produced by the same company that sells you boneless wings, tires, medicine and slip n’ slides. This future juggernaut of entertainment is capable of creating an artful drama to put on their streaming service, and I want to see it happen. Breaking Bad 2: Get Money, Smoke Meth, Wal-Mart.
Quik-Trip Press – Since print media’s inherent snail pace has rendered it all but dead, Quik-Trip offers a fast and convenient way to disseminate the news. Just access the QT Press app on your phone, read a six- word statement about something that happened recently, “like” the article, and then get a discount on your next taquito. Get your morning paper written by the same people who brew your morning coffee and bake your morning donuts!
Amazon Books + Dating– Since Amazon is in retail, media, space exploration, tech, books and more, it’s only a matter of time before they invade our personal lives like they invaded our homes with AI. The service will keep track of all the books you buy via their website, then match you with people who bought ones. That way the two of you can talk about the book, then buy more in the same genre to read together, then buy the movie adaptations, then publish your sweet collab fanfic of it together via Amazon’s self-publishing service, then fall in love and get married, then furnish your home with Amazon-bought appliances and finish it all off with an Amazon-bought attorney for the divorce.
Ford Motor Company Vroomtube Video – Since short videos are always popular—and people are cutting cable—Ford has America’s solution for this void in the entertainment industry. Move over, Youtube, Ford is going to assembly-line a fleet of vloggers into existence by promising an F-150 to the owner of every channel that reaches 500,000 subscribers.
ExxonMobilTok – Like TikTok but brought to you by ExxonMobil. The Big Oil company could have a blast producing Gen Z’s favorite bite-sized pieces of digital media. To make sure they ground out enough profit to support them when oil falls to natural gas and green energy sources, they’ll start charging people a dollar per video.
Berkshire Hathaway Gaming Services Inc. – Ninja’s next streaming service. This one seems unlikely but making the world’s oldest, whitest and most boring accountants work with millions of teenage video game streamers and all their vape and hair dye would be awesome. On the bottom of all the screens streaming Fortnite will be a Nasdaq stock ticker.
Costco Chat – The problem with Snapchat comes with the time it takes to spam snaps on it. Snapchat makes you take individual pictures and then tap each friend or group to whom you want to send it. It’s exhausting to spam your story with all the pictures of overpriced greasy food and expensive drinks you consume in a night. Meanwhile, Costco Chat, for a monthly subscription, will analyze your selfie, make copies of it and spam your Costco Story with dozens of pictures of you getting drunk with people you don’t like for you!
YouTube Red – Lol.
