Student guide to using crystals the right way

Local crystal girl shares her expertise because your aura is seriously fucked up.

If you’re looking for love this semester, ditch Tinder and stop stalking coffee shop patrons. You’ve “accidentally” spilled scalding hot coffee on enough people and are running out of coffee shops that you aren’t banned from. Just keep some rose quartz in your pocket at all times and your soulmate will fall directly into your lap at any given moment. They don’t know it yet, but you were meant to be together.

Black tourmaline is great to have on hand if you’re worried that your enemies are out to get you. Walking across campus alone after dark? Ward off those pesky frat boys and nightcrawlers by waving your black tourmaline around and chanting “the power of Christ compels you!” Of course, if you forgot to charge your crystals that day and the power is running low, you can chuck them at your stalker’s head and make a run for it.

When finals come around and good hygiene starts taking a backseat to studying and power naps, use selenite to cleanse your aura of all the negative energy and bad vibes you’re getting from your angry peers and sadistic professors. Draw out the stress before it makes your acne worse and cure the depression before you actually drop out of college this time or jump out of that third story window you keep eyeing. It won’t help with the smell you’ll have accrued from not showering for a week, but hopefully you can find some inner peace–until grades are posted.

Feeling unlucky and failing every test? Fuck studying, who has the motivation for that? Carry jade to your classes and intrinsically know every answer to that quiz you intentionally did not prepare for. It’s not cheating, the universe is throwing you a bone. Imposter syndrome is real and thriving, stop trying so hard for mediocre scores.

Since you’ve probably failed your first quiz by now — yeah that’s right, I’m talking to you STEM majors — use an amethyst crystal to heal your grief and use it again after your parents finish calling you a failure over the phone. It’s okay to cry, amethyst feeds on tears (and so does Keplinger). Wear this stone around your neck for protection against whatever TU throws at you, because Campo doesn’t care that your bike was stolen and they don’t care about your damned mental health, so stop asking.

If you’re having trouble focusing no matter where you end up studying, keep a fluorite crystal by your side to enhance your mental abilities and get rid of that annoying ADHD paralysis. If you still can’t study with fluorite, there is no hope for you, so get out before a Student Success Coach convinces you that you’re doing great and definitely not wasting $65 thousand a year.

Post Author: Shelby Hiens