Jimmy John is expected to make a full recovery, in prison. graphic by Emma Palmer

Student yelling “Hit me, bitch!” struck by vehicle

Determined to get free tuition, TU student risks it all in middle of the street.

Many students can be heard all over campus screaming at cars. Some might assume this is an attempt to warn said cars of their presence to avoid getting hit. Nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, they are screaming things like “Hit me, bitch!” and “Pay my tuition!”

“Why?” you might ask. We had the exact same question, so we took a trip to good ole’ S. Delaware Ave. and waited for some students to show up. When they arrived, they began jumping in front of cars or standing in the middle of the road.

We asked Gilly McGinty, a freshman chemistry major, why she was trying to get hit. She told us, “I can’t afford tuition, let alone all the extra fees for labs. I’ve heard rumors that if you get hit by a car on campus, the university has to pay the rest of your tuition. Then I might be able to afford to eat next week and drown my sorrows in booze.”

While we were interviewing McGinty, another student was heard screaming, “Do it! Hit me!” Next thing we knew, a car ran him over.

The student who was hit was Jimmy John, a junior religion major. He sustained minor injuries, including loss of limb and a spell in a month long coma. Mere flesh wounds, if you will.

We asked Jimmy John why he was trying to get hit, and he told us, “I’m not truly committed to my major, but I’ve already wasted three years in this hell hole. To get a different major, I’d have to spend another four years here and rack up even more student debt.”

“I thought if a car just hits me today, I’ll get free tuition for an actual degree that still exists. Boi howdy! I was sorely mistaken. I woke up from my coma yesterday, and two Campus Security officers (not even the cute ones) were standing over my hospital bed.”

“They told me to receive any injury compensation, I would have to be hit by a campus-owned vehicle like a shuttle bus or one of the Campus Security trucks. Even then, I would maybe get $100 if I were lucky.”

“I shit you not, Campus Security then told me that the ass clown who owned the fucking Land Rover that hit me was suing me for damages to their ‘precious baby.’ If you can afford a Land Rover, then you can pay to get my blood cleaned off your damn car!”

“Next, Tulsa Police came to arrest me because apparently being in a coma is evading court dates or some bullshit like that.”

Tulsa Police informed us that Jimmy John is facing charges of resisting arrest, fleeing the scene and attempted manslaughter.

Write in if you think Tulsa Police and Campus Security are overreacting or if all these charges are justified. Tune in next week — same truly committed time, same truly committed channel.

Post Author: Michaela Bueche