Summer from Hell

Eighty degrees in February in Oklahoma. That’s bad. Can we admit that that’s bad? Most people consider February a winter month. That’s not winter. 80° is too much for winter. There is a line and 80° thoroughly passes that. I was under the impression that Oklahoma had four seasons. 80° in February is not it.
Hey, maybe you could argue that there are all four seasons but they just take place in the same week, as the next few days dropped 50 degrees. But still.
This is just the first week of March. Spring is coming, at least I assume. If winter is 80°, I don’t want to know what spring looks like, and I definitely do not want to know what summer is going to look like. I don’t think any of us want to know what summer is going to look like. Climate change is going to kill us all, everything is going to be way too hot. And so, in preparation for our apocalyptic future, I implore us to consider the hell that awaits us just around the corner.
Picture this: you wake up in the morning. It is 5am because you are a god forsaken individual that wants to watch the sunrise or some bs, and do not respect the college student way of life of sleeping in as much as possible. You look at the weather app, and it’s already 110°. This is before the rays of the sun have decided to cook up the air we breathe. You touch the window and have to jump back before the glass turns your skin into jerky. You decide to get dressed. You then need to take 30 minutes applying a thick layer of sunblock over your whole body. I do not care if you do not burn, skin cancer is real. You walk outside, and you have to time it just right. You want to get out of the heat as quickly as possible, but you don’t want to work up an additional sweat. Getting to your vehicle is a balancing act. You open all the doors of your car to let the even hotter air out. You didn’t even realize the heat could be worse than it is outside, but cars work like greenhouses. By the way, every greenhouse everywhere has already burst into flames. The wildfires are rapidly consuming the Americas.
You start your car along with its air conditioning and leave. However, in your attempt to escape, you brush against the metal part of your seatbelt and get instant second degree burns. You get away and make it into the safety of a cooled building. You are dripping in sweat. There is a puddle underneath where you were standing. It will take a couple hours for your car to cool down enough for you to drive it. You need to get gas afterwards, which is a very dangerous task, as random wildfires are common. Everything is so dry, it hasn’t rained in weeks. You go to get water as you are wearing your own weight in sweat. But nothing comes out of the spout but vapor. All that is left is gatorade. And grape flavor at that. It is 6am and it is already 120 degrees outside.
You wait for your car to cool by scrolling around online. A building downtown was having air conditioning malfunctions. Everyone evaporated into nothing. Send support to their families. A televangelist raves in a short video that the end is finally upon us, you are tempted to agree. A new season of the Bachelor comes out in a week. America is burning down. Normal stuff.
You cook breakfast by putting pancake batter on a plate and sitting it outside. It’s ready in minutes. You eat it while watching a news segment about different congressmens’ reactions to the heat. Many still claim climate change is fake. In complete shock of human stupidity, you choke on a bite of pancake and die.
The next day, it is a lovely 80 degrees outside.

Post Author: tucollegian