Super Bowl predictions from the sports staff

Matt Rechtien
Sports Editor

It would be poetic for the Patriots to win the Super Bowl this season. Their star player was suspended by Roger Goodell for four games, yet that wasn’t even a speed bump on their road to the playoffs. It would be sweet justice for Goodell to have to hand the trophy to Belichick and Brady.

Revenge for all the “wrongful” punishments that New England has suffered at the hands of the NFL (don’t get me wrong though, I hate the NFL corporation).

However, I don’t believe in fairy tales, and don’t think the Patriots are going to be able to stop Matty Ice and the Falcons offense from winning it in what I predict to be a high-octane offensive tour-de-force between the two. The Falcons bring home the second ever championship in Atlanta professional sports.

Falcons 42 Patriots 35

Joseph Edmunds
Sports Writer

This year’s Super Bowl includes a classic matchup: the highest scoring offense in the league against the defense that gave up the fewest points. I had to do a double-take looking at the statistics, but yes, the Patriots were statistically the best defense in the league this year.

Not the Broncos, Seahawks, or Vikings or any other defense you normally consider to be good. Will they be able to stop the dominant offense of Matt Ryan and the Falcons? I have little faith in that happening. It’s great to get defensive stats when you play in a division where no one knows how to score. Bill Belichick will do his best to tilt the game in his favor (how will he do it this time? Who knows), but no one can put out the fire on Matt Ryan’s arm right now, and the Falcons will score enough points to overcome any weakness they might have in their defense.

Falcons 27 Patriots 23

Justin Guglielmetti
Bleacher Creature

Let me tell you something about Tom Brady. Contrary to popular belief, he’s not actually a human being but in reality something more akin to a cyborg, genetically modified to win football games until the sun goes supernova. Number 12 lives and breathes this sport. Every “thought” that goes through his head is just a variation of a football-related algorithm.

When he cloud-gazes he sees defensive formations, when he’s trying to sleep he sees tight spirals being thrown over the moon, when he watches horror movies every monster takes on the mouth-breathing countenance of a certain New York Giants QB.

Tom Terrific is very private about his wife Giselle but all I’m saying is he’s the best in the business at the quarterback sneak. He hits that hole hard and fast. Ahem, where was I? Oh yeah, Brady is a football terminator and Roger Goodell is Sarah Connor running across an empty parking lot with a broken leg. Forget the numbers (not that you couldn’t make a strong statistical case for the Patriots being favored) and just accept the fact that he’s not going to stop until he wrests the Lombardi trophy from Goodell’s cold dead hands while grabbing his balls and shouting to the heavens “Looks like I didn’t deflate these!!”

Patriots 34 Falcons 27

Jesse Keipp
Bleacher Creature Emeritus

The chip-on-the-shoulder narrative can’t be overstated. Popsicles are sweet, but vengeance is sweeter. Goodell violated the unofficial NFL constitution by suspending Brady for [testicle joke here!].
Hearkening back to their Boston roots, the Patriots will tea bag Goodell with a Super Bowl victory. While the Deflategate narrative is everywhere, fewer people talk about the other adversities that the Patriots have overcome. Tom Brady has overcome being married to an ugly wife. Bill Belichick has overcome being a middle-aged, white man.

What have the Falcons overcome? Matt Ryan has two first names. Sad! I can’t even name the Falcons coach, so he sure as hell doesn’t want it. The Falcons’ only hope is to score more points than the Patriots do, but I don’t like their chances. The Patriots WILL NOT BE DENIED.

Patriots > Falcons

Post Author: tucollegian

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *