See you space cowboy... Graphic by Conner Maggio

Tech CEOs compete to send Trump to space

The American people are ready to relive the ‘60’s arms race, with Bezos and Musk squabbling to launch the president into space.

A space-exploration tycoon who sent an electric car into space for fun and a CEO whose latest venture is household AI both have a reason to send President Donald Trump into space because of a recent Twitter altercation between the latter two.

Trump accused Amazon of ripping off the U.S. Postal service and of tax-dodging. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos responded by saying he has a spot for Trump on his rocket aimed at space.

This means SpaceX CEO Elon Musk’s long-term goal of sending Donald Trump into outer space may hit its first obstacle: Jeff Bezos and his Blue Origin space company. In what has been dubbed “our generation’s space race,” the two tech giants are now competing for the opportunity to launch our president into space.

Since we apparently did not spend enough money on this in the sixties, it looks like history is repeating itself. The world can look forward to clickbait articles 50 years from now titled “The Trump launch was faked!”

On a positive note, the American public has responded with excitement. #Trumplaunch was trending on Facebook before it mysteriously disappeared from the website. Mark Zuckerberg declined for a comment, changing his status to “getting grilled by congress.”

U.S. citizens have also responded with enthusiasm through their anticipation of the comeback of the space-obsessed culture of the 1960s and ‘70s. TV shows such as “Trump Trek” will remake the classic sci-fi show in the modern image. Buzz Trump-year toys will soon be available to kids of all ages.

Beyond what the new space race means for the rabble of millions of Americans, we asked what the challenge means to the two men as individuals.

“Alexa? Answer this man’s question for me,” commented Bezos. His AI unit spoke next. “I’m sorry, I cannot find that song for you. Can I perhaps buy something for you online?”

Musk gave a more straightforward answer.

“I have worked my whole life for this. PayPal, Tesla, SpaceX, and the U.S.A. were all startups I created just for this moment.”

Musk was not completely confident however.

“The problem is, Trump and Bezos were not supposed to get into a fight until after Cleveland won the NBA title, but still before Amazon acquires Facebook in late 2018. Now the whole plan could be thrown off, all because Bezos is a little trigger happy.”

Bezos later commented on Musk’s allegations.

“Who is that guy calling ‘trigger happy’? The man started a space-exploration company in a year when flip phones were high-tech, and then founded a company that makes electric cars less than a year later.”

The country has divided itself into camps to provide support to the rival CEOs. Many side with Elon Musk since he has a cool name. Others side with Jeff Bezos because Amazon offered a $25 gift card to anyone who would cheer on its fearless leader.

Meanwhile, President Trump is indignant.

“All those tax dollars Amazon avoids paying will fund their rocket to send me into space. And that upstart Elon Musk isn’t even American. Apologize!”

Trump does have a plan to stay on Earth, however.

“I expect the American people to rally to my defense against the tyranny of these two traitors with all the guns I let them have!”

There is no way to tell who will triumph in this battle. However, once Trump is safely orbiting Mars, does anyone really lose?

Post Author: Brennen Gray