Witnesses report hearing Cruz ask if VSCO girl jokes re still relevant. graphic by Emma Palmer

Ted Cruz desperate for friends, rebrands for Gen Z

It’s no secret that Texas Senator Ted Cruz is a very unpopular man. In the wake of the attempted coup of the U.S. Capitol, public ire towards him has increased tenfold, as he brazenly amplified voter fraud claims that led to the insurrection.

Hated by other senators, representatives and the American public alike, the general sentiment towards Cruz can be summarized by a quote from South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham: “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”

Of course, Cruz isn’t ignorant as to how people feel about him.

“I know a lot of people don’t like me, and that has taken its toll,” Cruz said last week from his Houston home. “I feel very lonely these days with no one to talk to. But with the support of my amazing wife, I have a plan to, as she says, ‘Find yourself some new friends, Teddy.’”

Yes, Cruz has decided to rebrand himself for this new generation.

“If the people who know me despise me, I just gotta find some people who don’t!” Cruz explained. “Gen Z isn’t politically active yet, so they’re the perfect targe- pardon, group of new friends for me.”

Cruz has taken several steps to cozy up to Gen Z. One might remember his recent trip to Cancun with his family amid the horrific snowstorm that wiped out power and water to millions of his constituents. That was, according to Cruz, an attempt to appease and get closer to his two young daughters. They would spend the weekend together having fun and, hopefully, filming TikToks.

“If I could just show off my renegade, I’m sure I could get some young people to like me,” Cruz said tearfully. “Then maybe we could all get ice cream and pizza once this pandemic’s over.”

Cruz has also reportedly started growing out a mullet to match current trends, painting his nails black, listening to hyperpop and has even made plans with his barber to slit his eyebrow.
“I’m feeling cooler than ever,” Cruz said. “And my daughters love it.”

Caroline Cruz, Cruz’s 12-year-old daughter, has this to say about her father’s new persona:


Time will tell if Cruz will find new friends in this new generation. For now, for the nation’s sake, let’s just hope he doesn’t start an OnlyFans.

Post Author: Emma Palmer