If you aren’t careful, these tombstones found on the New U might be your own. graphic by Conner Maggio

Ten normal things that mean you are dying

Hypochondriacs have the right idea: be wary of these 10 things that mean you’re a goner.

With the flu season and our first round of midterms coming up, it is important to pay attention to your wellbeing. Hopefully by the time you read this, you’ll recognize these common symptoms that would very well signify your end!

1. If you have been drinking water recently, I have bad news. New scientific studies have shown that with the increased mobility, better metabolism, clearer skin and other health benefits comes a deadly twist: all water drinkers on planet Earth have died or will die.

2. If you have had a cold, I have even worse news. Catching a cold is a sign that your immune system is working, and this rapidly slows down your lifespan. If you’re a college student, you might want to rethink that.

3. If you have laughed at a meme lately, you might be entitled to financial compensation. Your days are numbered.

4. If you have laughed or had fun recently, bad news. You are one of three people on campus that have expressed joy in the past month, and that means you’re on TU’s Super Hit List. I can’t tell you what that means, but just know that no one on campus knows someone else on campus that is on the Super Hit List.

5. If you have written an essay for class and gotten back any sort of editing, I’m sorry. This just means you’re not gonna be here much longer, as each edit takes decades off a writer’s lifespan.

6. If you’ve sniffled or sneezed because of any sort of allergy, consult therapy. Your subconsciousness is trying to tell you there is toxicity in your work and home environment; therefore, your immune system has come to the aid. Trust me on this one — I sneezed last week and then found out my best friend was cheating on me with another, newer best friend.

7. If you’ve recently enjoyed the finer things in life, such as music, books, TV, art or food, stop that right now. While it seems like these are events that would prolong your days, this is not the case. Every time you have some sort of fun, your GPA goes down, which directly correlates with your ability to live. Next time you’re about to do something that isn’t homework, think again!

8. If you have a crush on someone, you only have about four days to live. That’s just how love works.

9. If you drink coffee, you will unfortunately develop a rare type of disease called “I Tried to be Productive but Now I’m Actually Addicted to Bean Juice and my Whole Sleep Schedule is Ruined.” Freshmen through seniors are most prone to this uncommon illness, so be extra careful if you’re one of those!

10. If you have any sort of tests/projects coming up, go ahead and say goodbye to your loved ones. It would be cruel to leave without at least letting them know, and they’ll appreciate your efforts down the road.

Last, if you have researched any sort of potential symptoms on WebMD, you do have whatever it said you had. Quantum computing technology and intelligent agents have become so infinitely wise that they know you better than yourself. Trust them and take the appropriate measures. Good luck.

Post Author: Courtney Spivey