The Amazon Narc: the world’s first snitching AI

New from Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, this device will truly make your house a home.

Everyone has an Amazon Alexa, so you know that Amazon is a safe company to let in to your home. So why not welcome their newest home electronic into your life? Introducing the Amazon Narc, the world’s first snitching AI!

Using state of the art X-ray technology designed by Elon Musk, Amazon’s line of home defense technology can keep you and your family safe. Have a teenager you’re worried is sneaking in alcohol or drugs? The Amazon Narc can scan their backpack as they walk through the house and instantly detect any contraband they may be smuggling in.

Along with X-ray technology, the Amazon Narc can also be tied to your Amazon account and use cookies to track the online usage of those in your household logged into Amazon. Worried of your spouse having an affair? If they are logged into Amazon on their phone, the Amazon Narc can read their messages and forward them back to you. Or simply pay $50 extra and receive a micro-camera with your Amazon Narc to place anywhere in your household to make sure no one is sleeping with the mailman.

The Amazon Narc is a secure piece of technology immune to tampering and hacking. The only people able to access it are a group of computer scientists at Amazon’s main office in case of emergency. All illegal activity is automatically reported to the authorities, but Amazon is a proud supporter of free speech. It will not report any conversations of white nationalism, but any hint of you starting a union for your workplace and it’s off to Rikers with you.

Many who have bought the product are impressed and happy with their purchases. One customer’s review stated, “This device saved my marriage. I thought my husband was having an affair, kicking me out every Tuesday night, turns out he was just hosting a local Nazi drinking club. Couldn’t be any happier with my purchase, or prouder of my husband.”

A father that cares for his family wrote, “My son recently got a new job at Wal-Mart and was complaining about the pay. The Amazon Narc recorded a phone call between him and a coworker about starting a union. The Narc quickly sent it to Wal-Mart and my son and his coworker both got fired. Shows them for supporting that communism bs.”

A man from Arkansas left five stars on the product, saying, “I got this as a gift for a girl I like. I kept the Narc, but hid the micro camera in a stuffed bear I got her as a birthday gift. She was a little weirded out but still took the bear home, now I can make sure she doesn’t invite any other guys over and make sure she’s safe.”

Jeff Bezos himself has installed Amazon Narcs into every single one of Amazon’s workplaces to ensure that those buildings remain safe and secure. With the help of the Narc, Amazon has disposed of 300 pro-union workers and has promoted those who show they are committed to the company and pass out from exhaustion while working.

This article was sponsored by Amazon, a company to keep you, and society, safe.

Post Author: Caleb Pinegar