A game of inches
In a DEA-style crackdown of cliches, the newest edition of the AP Stylebook has banned the use of “dingers,” “jacks,” and “bombs” in reference to home runs. Eliminating cliches from sports writing would be like eliminating apple pie from America.
Apple pie is one of the most patriotic symobls in America. It brings inspiration to so many people, such as Don McLean, Warrant, Bob Dylan and those people who made the movies. It is ingrained into our culture. You could say that apple pie would not exist without America (please ignore the fact that the pictured pie is in fact not apple).
Courtesy of Tiny Pies
Simply put, the Associated Press woke up on the wrong side of the bed. There is no “I” in TEAM, but there is in Hitler. The AP can Stalin-istically impose its standards, but as sports writers, the ball is in our court. We’re in a league of our own.
Notably, neither The Collegian nor the Bleacher Creature adheres to society’s so-called “rules,” as evidenced by my hundreds of dollars in unpaid parking tickets. You can’t catch me, campo!
We need a change of direction
The Washington Redskins have it rough. They traded away years of success for a mediocre quarterback in Robert Griffin III. Head coach Jay Gruden, the Daniel Baldwin to Jon Gruden’s Alec Baldwin, is somehow expected to, well, coach. Despite his best efforts, team owner Dan Snyder can’t manage to explain to Native Americans why “Redskins” isn’t racist.
Even the Redskins’ stadium, FedEx Field, couldn’t help but contribute to the club’s haplessness. Before a friendly between the El Salvador and Argentina men’s soccer teams, FedEx Field played the Salvadoran national anthem, albeit with a slight twist. Instead of the Salvadoran national anthem, the national anthem for the Isle of Man rang loud and proud from the FedEx loudspeakers.
With hands on their hearts, the Salvadoran players stood proudly until each slowly realized that the song was a bit off. It would probably be in everyone’s best interest if FedEx just stuck to “Yakety Sax” from now on.
He always gives 110 percent
While vacationing, New England Patriots quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady aired it out, jumping off a cliff. To the relief of Patriots fans, Brady arose from the water below unscathed. To the chagrin of everyone else, Brady arose from the water below unscathed.
Later on the same vacation, Brady played a pick-up game with Michael Jordan. Thankfully, Jordan, who once called himself “Black Jesus” during a pre-season game, undoubtedly dished out some vicious trash talk on Brady. Nonetheless, I just want Brady to enjoy his spring break like any of us would. Break a leg, Tom!
They appear to lack consistency
In typical Chicago Cubs fashion, the Wrigley Field renovation is already falling behind schedule.The renovation, scheduled to take place over the course of four off-seasons, will now require an additional off-season of work.
*Editor’s Note: The people in the city of Chicago don’t have any luck do they? They won’t have a finished stadium, Derrick Rose is constantly injured, Patrick Kane goes out for the Blackhawks and they have to root for a team that hasn’t won the World Series in over 100 years and named the Cubs. This is why I’m glad that I’m a Cardinals fan.
Courtesy of Fox Sports
Furthermore, this off-season’s renovation, the outfield bleachers, won’t be ready until June. In a comical twist of fate, MLB picked a Cards-Cubs matchup at Wrigley as the season opener. Those construction workers need to get their heads in the game. Anywho, I’m certain those outfield tarps will look fantastic on national TV!
