The Bleacher Creature

As the headline reads, Jesse Keipp is the Bleacher Creature. Jesse Keipp always was, is and ever will be the Bleacher Creature. The indelible seal of the Bleacher Creature never fades. Long after I graduate, long after I lose my mental capacities, long after my body dissolves after being unceremoniously dumped in the ocean, the mark of the Bleacher Creature will remain…

That said, The Collegian needs a new Bleacher Creature, and it could be you! In order to apply, all you have to do is mail a blood sample to Oliphant 110 and email your answers to the following questions to

Do you have what it takes to Bleacher Creature? No, really, do you have what it takes? Prepare to shed your earthly possessions and your loved ones. You’re a lowly mortal, weighed by human insecurities and emotions.

You are not worthy. If you’re still reading, congratulations! You’ve already surpassed 47 percent of the candidates. What did you have for breakfast this morning? What did you have for breakfast on June 4, 1998? How’s your relationship with your mother?

When deciding the fate of a man, how will you decide whether he lives or dies? When given the reins to unbridled power and unchallenged authority, how will you decide what to have for breakfast? In 500 words or less, describe your favorite color… to a blind person.

When you battle Satan, will your weapon of choice be a spoon or a hearty breakfast? Please explain. Would you rather fight Satan with a spoon or a hearty breakfast? Don’t explain. Do NOT explain.

Please answer the following questions with “yes” or “no.” What is your favorite word? Where do you see yourself in five years? Where do you see yourself now? Where do you see yourself on June 4, 1998? Do you really see at all? Isn’t the blind man the one who really sees?

Finally, if you aren’t selected to be the next Bleacher Creature, do you have your will in order? Best of luck… 🙂

Post Author: tucollegian

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