The Bleacher Creature


I’m not sure if you guys heard, but there was an election this past Tuesday! It was a pretty big one too, deciding who would take over for Barack Obama as the president of the United States.

Now you’d think that a lot of people would be turning out to vote, especially those who really care about the rampant social ills and inequities that continue to plague our country, right? That Colin Kaepernick, he of the brave national anthem-kneeling protest, he must have had some strong opinions about this election!

Wait, what’s that? He didn’t vote? He doesn’t think either candidate will change “a system that oppresses people of color?” He admitted that he “really didn’t pay too close of attention” to the election? Surprise everybody, Colin Kaepernick is an idiot and a hypocrite who doesn’t know what the hell is talking about.

You know what, I used to be a firm defender of his protest because I believe in the right to stand up and fight for what you think is right, but are we entirely sure that he didn’t just do it to garner up some media attention as he faced exile to the end of the bench? If that’s the case, let’s add selfish race-baiter to his resume!

Well at least I can take solace in the fact that he has to live with the fact that he’s a backup quarterback. Wait, what’s that? He just threw for 398 yards? Typical, there’s no justice in the world.

See You in 2017

Happy holidays from the Bleacher Creature! Here’s a look ahead at the upcoming year with some bold predictions. I’ll let you decide which are the jokes….

Tim Tebow legally changes his name to Bo Jackson, makes an MLB roster, sets the single game home run record with five long balls, and finishes the year batting .150….

Golden State dominates a suddenly geriatric LeBron in the third installment of their Finals trilogy. The Warriors finish 74-8 and Steph Curry reestablishes himself as the team’s alpha dog with yet another record-setting season from three point land….

The TU men’s basketball team loses to at least four glorified DIII teams and finishes near the bottom of the American conference, the universe’s revenge for the sham that was our tournament bid last year….

The Golden Hurricane is for the second year in a row a participant in the highest-scoring bowl game, only this time we win. Also a dashing collegiate trumpet player/sports writer is caught on camera at the game, launching the most improbable Hollywood career of all time….

Kawhi Leonard wins the most hotly contested NBA MVP in years over the likes of LeBron, Curry, Anthony Davis and Russell Westbrook. James Harden proves his toughest competitor after he becomes the second player ever to lead the league in scoring and assists….

Tom Brady wins the NFL MVP in dominant fashion despite missing the first four games of the season due to a Roger Goodell temper-tantrum, then leads the Patriots to their fifth Super Bowl title, cementing his legacy as the undisputed greatest quarterback of all time. After the win, Brady reveals that he overinflated the game balls to 20 PSI, then transfers all of his football acumen into Jimmy Garoppolo’s head before ascending bodily into heaven….

The Chicago Cubs improbably set themselves up to be a new evil empire, winning their second consecutive World Series in dominant fashion. The AL’s representative in the Fall Classic? Baseball’s new most tortured franchise: the New York Yankees….

And finally, Donald Trump, assuring us all that he will be as cool as president as Barry O, appears on Fox and Friends to shoot some hoops. He misses bigly.

Post Author: tucollegian

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *