The Bleacher Creature

Picking Up Ladies With Marshawn

Inside of Marshawn Lynch’s tough football exterior lies the heart and tongue of a romantic poet. Lynch’s quips such as, “Yeah,” “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” and “Thanks for asking,” serve as perfect pick-up lines. At least, that’s what one DePaul University student tried to prove in a YouTube video.

Entirely unsolicited and out of context, the undergrad used the lines on unsuspecting ladies in the library and walking to class. Surprisingly, he (supposedly) managed to land a few phone numbers. Pitifully asking, “Maybe?” while handing over the phone appeared to be the most successful move. Nonetheless, there’s no telling how many slaps were edited out of the video.
What was he thinking?

Speaking of picking up ladies, Phoenix police picked up NFL Hall of Famer Warren Sapp for soliciting prostitutes after the Super Bowl. Apparently, Sapp was willing to do anything to keep the party going, even paying for some company.

Soon afterward, the NFL Network fired Sapp from his sports analyst position. Prostitute solicitors don’t make for wholesome, family television. But alleged murderers sure do! (Cough, Ray Lewis, cough.)

If only Sapp had used some of Marshawn Lynch’s pickup lines instead of opening his wallet, he might still have a job. To top off the whole ordeal, Bud Light pulled Sapp from its oh-so-coincidental “Up for Anything” ads.

Always Bigger in Tulsa

For decades, the good ole U.S. of A. led the world by building increasingly taller skyscrapers. Eventually, America lost interest, eventually resigning to symbolic heights, such as the new World Trade Center’s 1,776 feet.

Consequentially, America let other non-American countries construct the world’s tallest towers. In a supreme act of charity, the Land of the Free left Dubai to build the 2,722-foot-tall Burj Khalifa.

Likewise, schools across the country race to complete the largest football scoreboards.

Last year, Texas A&M’s Kyle Field grabbed the title. Next, Auburn will boast of its scoreboard’s girth. However, an inside source tells me that Tulsa is just waiting for its opportunity, then…BAM! A scoreboard shall appear that wraps around the perimeter of Chapman Stadium. That’s the advantage of a soon-to-be $1 billion endowment. All it takes is one phone call to the Chapmans.

Chipper is Off his Rocker

For simplicity’s sake, let’s just assume that 1 percent of the general population is crazy. That is, 1 percent of the general population prefers hats of the tin-foil variety and/or insists that the world is run by lizard people. This percentage can be extrapolated to professional athletes.

Sure, everyone knows the Jose Cansecos and the Ryan Leafs. But did you know Chipper Jones is a little “off his rocker?”

In a recent tweet, Jones blew the whistle on the Sandy Hook shooting: “So the FBI comes out and confirms that Sandy Hook was a hoax! Where is the outrage? What else are we being lied to about? Waco? JFK? Pfff…”

Because the FBI’s 2012 crime data listed Newtown, CT’s murders at 0, Jones hastily concluded that all of Sandy Hook was a hoax.

Nonetheless, Jones is less likely to be crazy than he is to just be misinformed. He should probably spend a little less time on Yahoo! comment sections. Let that be a warning to everyone.

Post Author: westanderson

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *