The Bleacher Creature

Justin Guglielmetti is the Bleacher Creature, with Brennen Gray as the Feature Creature.

Big Sexy
Hey gang, we’re back. I’m sorry it’s been a hot second there, but there have been things to do, places to see, bleachers to creach. Don’t worry though, I promise that I won’t leave you again until the next time I do.
For our first excursion back into the world of sportsatire, I’d like to make sure everyone knows about Willians Astudillo, the folk hero that baseball deserves. America’s Pastime gets a lot of flak for being boring, and let’s be honest, that’s a perfectly justifiable opinion (though let me tell you, hearing this from soccer fans makes my eyes roll so far back into my head it looks like I’m in the middle of an exorcism). But if you think Astudillo is dull, I have to question your sanity, your morals, your very existence.

My man is a 26-year-old rookie who stands 5’9” and would weigh his listed 225 pounds if he lived on the moon. He’s primarily a catcher, but likes to hang around the infield and outfield corners in his spare time. Dude doesn’t hit dingers, but he also doesn’t strike out, and in today’s K-happy MLB, that’s … kinda hot. Have you seen the video of the big fella hustling his way around the basepaths, helmet flying off and bodacious belly jiggling all over the place? If not, drop this paper and go watch it, print media is dead anyway. I propose that we strip Bartolo “Two Families” Colon of the “Big Sexy” moniker and give it to Astudillo, because he’s just an amazing character and also, you know, because he doesn’t have two families.

Begone Thots
Speaking of infidelity, former NBA player Jason Maxiell came out recently and revealed that over the course of his 12-year NBA career, he cheated on his wife with not one, not two, but 341 different women. Basketball players are somewhat famous for their promiscuity, from Wilt Chamberlain’s “20,000 women” claim to Magic Johnson’s ‘80s orgies, so I guess I can’t say this is really surprising? But man do these moments make you feel scummy as a sports fan, when you realize that a lot of these guys you root for, figures that you looked up to when you were a little kid, are actually total scumbags. The lesson is, as always, don’t go digging into the lives of your heroes, or you’re sure to come away disappointed. Even a man as seemingly upstanding as LeBron James has had … oh shit, somebody just threw a chair at my head. I’m under attack! What’s going on?! By God, that’s the Feature Creature’s music!

It’s your boy the Feature Creature
I present to you the only question in the history of sports that armies of Reddit devotees and television personalities/sports journalists will never answer. Is the world of professional sports actually an anime?
What makes up an anime plot other than highly talented individuals using their powers to defeat their opponents? Not to mention the backdrop of dark and despair that perpetually exists in sports as in anime. A little less than half the teams in any sports league will be in a dark time of being notoriously bad. Then the draft brings in a heroic figure with unimaginable power despite being the newest person on the squad, and that person helps band the team together to make their land a better place. LeBron is basically One-Punch Man, the second Odell Beckham Jr. turned his hair blonde he went Super Saiyan, and I’ll give up my PhD in sports if Breanna Stewart isn’t basically Sailor Uranus. Every person in the Golden State Warriors administration is just Maximillian Pegasus. I’m not crazy, I swear.

Listen up, guys. It is time to get real. Two words: kick volleyball. Sepak Takraw is like Bruce Lee meets the oily volleyball game from “Top Gun.” This is the future of sports. The Southeast Asian sport would take America by storm, and we already have the perfect athletes for it. The best player in the MLB, Willians Astudillo, would be a fire Tekong with his arm strength. 2024 Presidential candidate Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. could take some time away from his coach and lifelong father figure Belichick to be the perfect Feeder. And last but not least, King James himself would be the greatest Killer this side of the world. Imagine 6’ 7 1/4” (201.3 cm) of royal leg crushing sepak takraw ball into the sand.

Let’s go Do Dat Quidditch
A great man once said, “You miss 100 percent of shots you don’t take,” and that man was the world’s greatest boss at Dunder Mifflin. It is time for the world to give Quidditch a chance. The sport combines the greatest parts of all sports: athleticism, power, passion, broomsticks and a situation where the British league is the most competitive because of world politics. Forming the National Association of Systemized Diligent Athletes of Quidditch (NASDAQ) will be well worth the injuries and dark lords that may pop up.

Back to the Bleacher Creature…
Welp, I just woke up in a pool of my own blood, a sticky note with “Brennen Grey wuz here” scrawled on it stuck to my forehead. I guess I won’t be talking smack about LeBron James anymore! In the interest of self-preservation, I’ll need a new athlete to direct my vociferous sports hatred. Candidates include memelord Joel Embiid, Least-Jacked-Roid-User-Of-All-Time Ryan Braun and NHL superstar Sidney “the General” Greivious. Oh and every single person who has ever attended Bishop Hendricken High School in Warwick, Rhode Island, can’t forget about those douchebags.

Post Author: Justin Guglielmetti