The Bleacher Creature

Justin Guglielmetti is the Bleacher Creature.

I’m with Vontae
Hot topic of the week: is Vontae Davis a li’l bitch? The two-time Pro Bowl cornerback shocked the sports world when he abruptly retired during halftime of the Buffalo Bills’ loss to the Los Angeles Chargers. Davis said that he was simply “done,” and he described a sudden realization near the end of the first half that he didn’t “belong on that field anymore.” His actions drew the ire of his teammates, some of whom went so far as to call him “disrespectful” and a “quitter.” And as you might expect, Davis has largely been ripped to shreds by the sports media, who have painted him as a total flake for the move. Well, some of the sports media anyway.

We at Bleacher Creature Unlimited (copyright pending) totally support Davis in his bizarre retirement.
Look, I know he probably doesn’t need the support of what’s been called “the most influential voice in athletics” to feel good about his decision, not when he still has millions of dollars, his youth and a family to fall back on, but somebody needs to be the voice of reason here. Could he have handled the situation better? Absolutely. But playing in the NFL is a totally voluntary endeavor, and one that seems increasingly foolish the more we learn about its devastating effects on physical and mental health. I will never begrudge anybody who decides that they no longer want to put their lives at risk, and we as a culture really shouldn’t either. Because, you know, these are human beings that we cheer for when we watch football, not video game avatars.

So in conclusion, if you’ve found yourself lying on the couch in a pool of your own sweat and crumbs while complaining about a person deciding to place greater importance on their well-being than being a part of a sport they no longer seem to enjoy, consider that you may in fact be the li’l bitch.

Get Off My Lawn
Before I hand the ball over to my trusty confidante Brennen, I’d like to offer my take on the crowded MVP races in baseball. No, I’m not going to make my picks just yet, for a couple reasons. One, they are so freaking close that the last week of play could actually make a significant difference. And two, I might write a thicc article on this later in the year. So what’s my point? That this year could be a referendum on the modernity of baseball writers.

We have a player who might become the fourth player ever to win the MLB triple crown (J.D. Martinez), and yet due to his lack of defense playing DH, lead-footed defense, and relatively less impressive offensive statistics, he shouldn’t even be the forerunner for MVP on his own team. Meanwhile, in the NL, two starting pitchers sit atop the WAR leaderboard by substantial margins. The only problem is that they play for sub-.500 teams, while two far less accomplished position players (Javy Baez and Christian Yelich) are getting a lot of press for starring for contenders. Who will come out on top? In the end, it might not be so much a battle between players as it is between the new school and the old.

With Brennen Gray as the Feature Creature.

Honest Mascots
I do not understand why professional sports only sometimes have mascots that relate to their cities. In fairness, this is often because franchises move (take this time to google why in the world Salt Lake City has a Jazz-themed team with Mardi Gras colors). But other times, why not the Las Vegas Casinos or the Detroit Eminems? Before the Great LeBron James journeyed to L.A., I would have advocated for renaming the Cleveland football franchise the Cleveland LeBrowns. That way they would have won a game. And the Golden State Warriors? Have you ever scene a Warrior themed anything on their merch? Nope. I say we rename them the Golden State Warios after the yellow-clad evil capitalistic greed monsters they are.

I understand that sometimes names lose relevance; the Oakland Athletics were dominant in the early ‘70s but they haven’t won a World Series since eight years before I was born. But not a single player in Brooklyn has ever been able to put anything into a net. Charlotte Hornets? No, seriously, I was not asking why they are called that — I was asking who they are. Is there an NBA team in Charlotte, or do they play in the Forgotten Realms with the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Florida Panthers?

Refs on Acid
Former Juve boss Lippi allegedly claimed that the ref who slapped Ronaldo with a red card was having a hallucination. My first thought was of the ridiculousness of such a thing. Why on earth would a referee be hallucinating? And second, that is an oddly specific hallucination to have. But then again, why not? What if we put every single ref on drugs? Some weed to get the blood flowing, some shrooms to get the ball rolling, acid for the main course and peyote for dessert! Imagine the calls! Messi would get a blue card for floating too far above the purple kraken devouring most of the planet Mars. Ronaldo’s ego would be the size of a soccer ball, and the soccer ball could be as large as the stadium. The possibilities are endless. It’s not like fans ever loved the referees anyway. We might as well make their bad calls entertaining to drive the TV ratings up. Yay, drugs!

Post Author: Justin Guglielmetti