The Bleacher Creature

Excitment in Nascar?

NASCAR racers Kevin Harvick and Joey Logano had a heated conversation after Saturday’s Sprint Unlimited. After bumping and grinding all race long, the racers came close to blows.

Harvick alleged that Logano tried to drive him into the wall among other racing atrocities, leading to words that surely made Mrs. Harvick and Mrs. Logano blush. Fortunately for NASCAR, the near-skirmish put the sport on the news.

Desperate for attention, the sport pops up in mainstream culture only with brutal crashes or good ol’ man-on-man violence. By contrast, the NFL relishes when its man-on-woman violence hits the press.

Oladipo Sings a New Tune

The NBA’s Slam-Dunk Contest seems to grow in splendor every year. The Orlando Magic’s Victor Oladipo didn’t want to slack off, so he surprised the crowd with his own rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York.”

Of course, Oladipo was no Sinatra, but Sinatra certainly can’t throw down a 540 jam. So, all in all, Oladipo came out ahead. Plus Oladipo served as a reminder to the rest of the NBA that, yes, Orlando has a basketball team.

Scorpions on a Plane

A dark and ominous cloud has descended over the Reynolds Center lately. The seemingly omnipotent entity portended not one, but two conference losses for the Hurricane men’s basketball team.

The fall from first place has signaled tough times for the TU squad. Nonetheless, the team must focus on the positives, such as;

“Hey, at least we don’t have scorpions on our planes.” Scorpion-less planes are a luxury that not all D-I schools can afford.

Just ask the folks of Oregon State’s men’s hoops, whose flight had to return to LAX after a woman on board was stung by a scorpion.

Now, I’m not usually a proponent of negative recruiting, but, if used properly, we may be able to nab some big bodies from Oregon State.

“Now, son, certainly you’re not a fan of scorpions on your planes. Flying is scary enough,” I say in my whiskeyed and wise voice.
“No, coach, I fervently hate all arthropods, especially those that fly,” the recruit replies with increasing interest.

“Well, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I can personally guarantee—and I don’t do this for all our recruits—that your son will not have to deal with ANY scorpions on Tulsa basketball flights.”

“We take good care of our boys here,” I say with a wry but reassuring smile.

“Golly gee, coach! That sounds swell! Where can I sign?” says the five-star, seven-footer.

If the parents need extra convincing, I tell them, “There aren’t scorpions in Tulsa at all! The only exoskeleton-esque creatures we tolerate around those parts are armadillos, and, boy, are they cute. Mrs. Smith, how would you like an official Tulsa basketball armadillo?”

Notice how I segue smoothly into the gift offering. Now, gifting armadillos isn’t necessarily allowed under NCAA rules. But they aren’t explicitly prohibited either. And that’s how you build a program.

Post Author: tucollegian

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