The Bleacher Creature

A Word for the Wise

Imagine that it’s finals week and you’re walking into your differential equations final in Kep M1. You know a B is out of the question. You’ve heard of As, but you doubt their existence. So passing would make for a decent day. Your professor hands you the test. What kind of sadist writes these tests? As soon as your eyes meet the paper, bile begins to rise up from your stomach, burning your throat, and passing through that slit which was once used for smiles. But instead of curling up or shedding tears, you power through and you destroy that test. Yes, you earn that elusive C and pass the class.

Who says you can’t learn life lessons from sports? “No one says that.” Shut up, reader. I’m trying to make a point. In Oregon’s beatdown of Arizona in the PAC-12 Championship Game, Arizona’s center, Carter Wood, refused to give in despite the game’s futility. Late in the matchup, Wood descended into his stance, vomited on the pigskin, then snapped it to his quarterback. That’s dedication. “Timeouts are for toddlers,” Wood heroically proclaimed (probably). So if you ever find yourself in a tight spot that may or may not involve vomit, remember Carter Wood. My sources tell me that the story is being pitched to the producers of Remember the Titans.

They Forgot What Winning Was

Apparently, SMU’s coaches didn’t have much faith in their football squad all along. In Saturday’s matchup against UConn, the Mustangs found themselves in need of the victory formation. However, the offense was blissfully unaware of how to run a simple QB kneel. First, the offense was incorrectly flagged for an illegal formation. The penalty didn’t hold because having only ten players on the field isn’t actually a penalty. Secondly, on the retry, the officials penalized the offense for having an illegal formation. So, ultimately, the Mustangs coaches just guessed their way into a passable formation, which eventually sealed the long awaited victory.

NFL Raw/Smackdown

On Sunday, the New Orleans Saints and Carolina Panthers competed at the Superdome in a “fierce” division matchup. “Fierce” because someone has to win the dreadful NFC South. After Cam Newton scored a touchdown and celebrated in the first quarter, Saints players decided to show their fans that they cared in a way other than actually winning. Instead, the players chose to incite an on-field brawl. Now, I’m all for violence in sports. I love me some big hits in football and hockey games during my ice fights. However, it doesn’t take Muhammad Ali to realize that throwing punches in football pads is pointless.

Where do you land a punch on a guy fully decked out in safety gear? Head? Helmet. Shoulders? Pads. Gut? 40 pounds of fat on the linemen. My advice to the backyard brawlers: if you’re going to fight, it has to be WWE style. Don’t be afraid to get creative. A helmet’s worst enemy is a folding chair. Unpadded necks are just asking for choke holds. Eye gouging will teach those smug guys to wear visors.

Post Author: westanderson

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