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The Clairvoyant Collegian

Knowing that you get all your news from the Collegian, Justin Guglielmetti, Joe Edmonds, and Zane Cawthon have gathered around their crystal ball to predict the biggest news stories over the winter months.

Duchene leads Senators into All-Star Weekend with NHL’s best record; Zane is the only person south of Canadian border who cares
The hockey world was rocked in November when the Colorado Avalanche announced that they had sent center Matt Duchene to the Ottawa Senators in a blockbuster trade. This bold move will pay off for both teams in big ways: the Avalanche will use the money they saved on getting rid of Duchene’s big contract to sign some solid defensemen and improve their position in the West, while the Senators will use Duchene’s strategic prowess to catapult themselves to the top of the East. They will jostle with the Tampa Bay Lightning for the number one playoff spot heading into the second half of the season.

Tulsa basketball loses to ORU for 4th time in five years; Frank Haith’s seat gets warmer
In case the football season didn’t bum you out enough, things are about to get worse. TU’s basketball team, while full of talent, is very young and very inexperienced and will need to take a year to rebuild and become a cohesive and competitive unit. But I don’t think Tulsa fans are ready for just how rough of a 2017-18 season it’s gonna be. Things are gonna get ugly for Coach Haith if the situation does not improve by the beginning of his fifth season.

Patriots win sixth Super Bowl, Brady turns water to wine
Despite being 40 years old and playing with a porous secondary and O-line, Tom Brady will average 330 yards and four touchdowns in the playoffs to distance himself from the field in the all-time great discussion. Millions of eyewitnesses will report that they saw a halo over his head following his final drive a claim Brady denies with his trademark pearly white grin and a mirthy chuckle.

Secret of Patriots one-QB strategy revealed: Tom Brady confirmed as robot

After trading Jimmy Garoppolo to the San Francisco 49ers, the Patriots were left with just Tom Brady on the roster, a bold move considering the future Hall-of-Famer is now 40 years old. They signed Brian Hoyer shortly after, but the move was clearly a cover as no one in their right mind would ever put him in a real NFL game. Unfortunately for the Pats, the ruse will come crashing down when Robert Mueller announces that his team has uncovered the truth about Brady: he’s a Russian robot. The all-time GOAT discussion will forever be put to rest, as no human can be reasonably compared with the metal machine that is Tom Brady.

Columbus Crew SC wins MLS Cup 2017, owner moves them to Austin anyway
In a story that will break hearts across the sports world, the plucky underdogs in the Black & Gold will fight their way through Toronto FC’s defense and upset Seattle Sounders to win their first MLS Cup in almost ten years. However, soccer fans across the country will be devastated when owner and suspected vampire Anthony Precourt announces that he did in fact finalize the team’s move to Texas effective next year. His greed will destroy the 23 year legacy of a charter MLS franchise and set a disappointing precedent that will have profoundly negative consequences for the fastest growing sport in the United States. #SaveTheCrew

Vintage Expos merch sales spike as MLB begins expansion process
Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred will confirm longstanding rumors that the league is looking at a 32 team format with an announcement that Montréal and Portland have been chosen as finalist candidates for expansion franchises, alongside Charlotte and Mexico City. Interest in French Canada to revive the old Expos and their weirdly charming abstract logo will be the only thing anyone involved in this discussion cares about until 2019.

Buffalo Bills become last team in NFL to make a playoff appearance in the 21st century, lose to Jaguars

Beleaguered Bills fans will cry tears of joy when the woebegone Bills finally clinch a wild card playoff spot for the first time since 1999 on the backs of their solid defense. However, those same fans will set beautiful downtown Buffalo ablaze when the Bills get thoroughly Bortled by upstart Jacksonville in the first round. No one will know how to respond to the surreality of watching both Buffalo and Jacksonville compete in a relevant football game for the first time since the Clinton administration.

Crimson Tide wins 17th national championship, everyone groans
For the third consecutive season, the CFP national championship will feature the same matchup: the Alabama Crimson Tide vs the Clemson Tigers. The teams alternated who was the No. 1 and No. 2 seed each previous year, and Bama will take it this season as every other team failed to finish the season undefeated. Lacking the magic of NFL rookie Deshaun Watson, Clemson will not keep pace in the title game, and Nick Saban will disappoint the country by winning yet another national title.

Lawyers can’t decide what to do with Ezekiel Elliott, suspend him for offseason

The NFL season has featured a humorous back and forth between the NFL and different lawyers as they try and suspend Ezekiel Elliott for domestic abuse against a former girlfriend. For the entire duration of the season, Elliott will be declared as suspended for that week’s game by Tuesday. But by Thursday of that week, an emergency injunction will be filed to allow him to play that week. After this repeats for the full NFL season, the lawyers will decide to suspend him for the offseason and call it good because they will be tired of the repeating pattern.

Lonzo Ball tries to steal something in China, fails

As the shame of having the worst shooting percentages of the modern era starts to set in, Lonzo will attempt to join his younger brother in Chinese house arrest. The heist will seem like a lay-in but of course he’ll blow it anyway, as his telegraphed pass of the stolen Big Baller Brand shoes will be intercepted by a superior thief.

Post Author: Justin Guglielmetti