Shady Sally dealing contraband IDs containing thousands of dining dollars. Graphic by Conner Maggio

The Dining Dozen dishes out deceit

An underground crime ring trades food for homework in this breaking news coverage.

Something sinister is growing underneath the surface of TU. While most students go to class, study and complete their homework, there’s a growing number of people investing their dining dollars for extra “assistance.” Our source has been working undercover for quite some time now, and our informant thinks it’s time to bust this case wide open.

They call themselves the “Dining Dozen,” an underground organization that has been spreading since the Spring 2016 semester. While it is insinuated there are only 12 of them, our informant has told us that a dozen was in fact an arbitrary number, and that they were more interested in finding a cool and catchy name.

The group started off with simple roots: to have students do their homework and in return receive a candy bar at the C-Store in the Student Union. “It wasn’t hard for them to get people to do their homework,” states our informant. “People will do anything for free food.”

Soon, the organization branched out, offering free lunches at the Student Union or coffee at the McFarlin Library. Everyone on campus had heard murmurs of the operation, but for some reason, no one was able to get into the inner circle.

“The ritual was insane,” says our informant. “We were required to kneel before this golden statue of Goldie and place our IDs before her. Unfortunately, it isn’t the most cultish thing I’ve done on this campus.” Our informant happened to be the roommate of the ringleader, Mechanical Engineering major Pauline Starter. The informant explained, “I was bored of my classes and needed something to do.”

Of course, Campus Security was also fully aware of the organization’s presence. Campus Security officer Henry Rightworth states, “The Dining Dozen have been on our radar for quite some time. We’ve just been waiting for them to slip up.” He also said that this was the most exciting thing he’s done as a Campus Security officer, other than perhaps ticketing students five minutes after they leave their cars.

Last-Minute Update: The organization’s core members were recently outed by ex-member Larry Grundlestein. Sources state he was kneeling in front of Bayless Plaza, shouting, “I have soiled this university! Woe the shame! The humanity!” Campus Security stepped in and proceeded to question the student. He had apparently run out of dining dollars and went on a destructive rampage for being banished.

At 11:58 p.m. Sunday, Campus Security invaded an abandoned Kep classroom, discovering half a dozen students giggling and playing board games. “They were surprisingly normal,” said Campus Security officer Alex Longo. “I expected them to have fangs and talons or something.”

There has been no confirmation as to whether there is a link between Presidential Scholars and the Dining Dozen. However, rumors are trickling in that perhaps this was only a small portion of a larger crime syndicate. Could this be the TUluminati? Campus Security declined to comment.

Post Author: James Terrell