The Instagram ally’s manifesto

As a male feminist, I know all the lyrics to “Put Your Records On”

I am writing this to tell my story as a middle class cishet white man, who has bravely fought alongside the oppressed when convenient. I am here. I retweet infographics which I do not read. I put confusingly formatted but still heteronormative pronouns in my bio. I listen to Corinne Bailey Rae. I am an ally. Please read my woke manifesto.

As the one and only “A” in LGBTQIA (ally), I listen to and support women. It is really all about that intersectionality–that and the Natty Lights, am I right fellas? I mean, am I right folx? I voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016. Yes, I was 16 but I voted illegally. If more people were like me the world would be so much kinder. Just like it says on my bumper sticker: “Kindness 2024 for President!”

Many men in this country gaslight women in an unfortunate attempt to woo them. Because I am an ally, the only gaslighting I do is I gaslight the stove before cooking my friends (many of whom are women or minorities) food because men belong in the kitchen just as much as women. Hear that ladies? I bake cookies for fun.

I only joined Pike to change it from the inside. I am using my privilege for good. Every day I connect my phone to the bluetooth speaker system and play some radical music, like anything from “Hamilton,” “Put Your Records On,” “Roar,” “Red (Taylor’s version)” or the soundtrack to ”Frozen.” Through this act of praxis I do not pretend to wipe out eons of patriarchal oppression. I bet I can fix about 80% of it in a few days though.

Dating apps present an interesting problem in our society. Many men think it is cool to show muscles, dead fish or a picture of their face on their profiles. Now I do not use dating apps anymore, seeing as I have matured past my need for them, but, when I did, I did not commit any of the common microaggressions perpetrated by unwoke men. First of all, I only had one picture on my profile and it was a picture of Hillary Diane Rodham Goddamn Clinton and my only bio was a quote from Barack Obama’s “I Have a Dream” speech.

Whenever I met a girl in a bar when I was single, I used only feminist pickup lines such as,“Are you a star across my sky? Because girl, put your records on and give me your number. Please.” Our world would be better with more of me. I make an effort to hit on as many women as possible so they do not have to talk to creeps (seeing as I have taken up all of their free time already).

Men like me face unimaginable oppression. One time a KA boy called me a b*tch-*ss (please excuse my expletives) just because I was a feminist. The only b word I call women is beautiful.

Real men do not use gross words when talking crassly about female anatomy, I only use the most accurate of anatomical terms when I engage in so-called “locker room talk.” I only listen to clean versions of music. I have no idea what most music is even about. The best rapper is Macklemore (clean version).

Post Author: Kyle Garrison