Three midterm madness results

Interesting developments in the midterm election results from last week, including a dead candidate winning and a gentlemen’s duel.

The 2018 midterm elections took place last Tuesday, Nov. 6, and while some votes have yet to be counted, the results are more or less in.

As expected, the Democrats took the majority in the House of Representatives while the Republicans increased their standing majority in the Senate by several seats. However, despite all the late night political commentary and endless talk of Blue Waves and Red Walls, some rather interesting results from the election have slipped through the media’s fingers.

In the race for Florida’s 13th Congressional District, the puppeteered corpse of Republican candidate Joe Native beat out Democratic incumbent Charlie Crist by 15 points. At his victory party, Kaleb Quailstone, Native’s son-in-law and puppeteer, thanked supporters for sticking by his father-in-law in the three months or so since his untimely death.

“Thank the good Lord above that y’all wouldn’t let a damn Democrat take this win away from Joe just like that pelican took his life,” said Quailstone. “He loves each and every one of you, and me and him can’t wait to give Floridians back the respect they deserve.”

While there is no law in Florida expressly banning the dead from serving in public office, Quailstone will not be allowed to continue his puppeteering, as this is seen as having an “undue amount of influence” over the representative.

Georgia’s gubernatorial race remains undecided as votes from absentee ballots continue to trickle in for Republican Brian Kemp and Democrat Stacey Abrams, the latter of which would be the nation’s first Black female Governor. Per Georgia law, either candidate must secure 50 percent of the electorate plus one vote to win, a bar that neither Kemp nor Abrams has yet reached.

Frustrated and both unwilling to concede victory to the other, the two have decided to settle the election in a gentleman’s duel.

“Just like the Founding Fathers would have done,” said Kemp as he prepared to face Abrams later this week. “God, I love America.”

“Well, all I can do is point my musket straight and hope for the best,” said Abrams with a sigh. “And if I lose, well, at least I did all I could to give the people of Georgia a better future.”

In other, record-breaking midterm developments, election statistics indicate that more female candidates have been elected into office this year than ever before. A break through the glass ceiling for some, but others offered their concerns about this trend.

“I love women, trust me. But I just don’t think that we should have so many members of one gender making decisions for everyone. It’s unfair to all the men out there,” said Senator Ted Cruz in an interview on election night. “If we don’t keep an eye on this, soon we could be living in a matriarchy!”

Of course, none of these results are entirely concrete right now. With broken machines, recounts, absentee ballots and accusations of tampering to contend with, until every vote is counted and every vote from an estimated 35 thousand undocumented immigrants is burned on the White House lawn, things could look very different in the coming weeks.

Post Author: Sara Serrano