This supposedly harbors the same amount of radiation as the Elephant's Foot in Chernobyl. Graphic by Anna Johns

Top 5 opinions on the Ukraine invasion, according to the worst guy you know

It’s hard to know what to think about the Ukraine-Russia crisis, but don’t worry. The guy in your class whose whole deal is to banter with the professor is ready to dish out his thoughts on the invasion.

With the ongoing invasion of Ukraine, global fear can be felt more than ever. Uncertainties and anxieties seem magnified by a situation outside of our control. What does this invasion mean? What will happen? Instead of answers, though, what people have received has instead been an acute sense of helplessness.

For another unwanted opinion on the Ukraine-Russia situation, we turn to a guy named something like Jeremy or Josh or Justin for his take. Usually, you would incessantly hear opinions like these in one of those Block 1s or 2s you’re required to take, but this piece is free and widely accessible, baby! That’s the beauty of journalism — delivering the voices of the loudest people from whom you did not want to hear.

1. The whole thing is playing out just like a movie.

Okay, hear me out. So, like, the United States is Gryffindor, right? And Russia is definitely Slytherin. For Hufflepuff, I’m thinking Ukraine. Maybe Ravenclaw is the United Kingdom because British people are the smarties, LOL!

Anyway, we’ve seen a tremendous amount of bravery coming from the Ukrainians. Not so bad for little wimpy Hufflepuffs, eh? News came out about the Ukrainian soldiers who are believed to have died as they defended Snake Island from a Russian warship. When asked to surrender, they reportedly told the warship to “go fuck yourself.” How badass is that? When I posted a clip of this on r/dankmemes and added the Skyrim “SPEECH 110” meme, I received several Reddit Golds, so, yeah, I guess I do understand how war can be rewarding, too. Sure, people might have died in an unbelievably terrifying scenario against a global superpower, but they were at least cool as fuck about it.

Another epic element of the opposition to Russia’s fascism is the declaration of cyberwarfare from Anonymous. Anonymous released a video condemning Russia in their typical mysterious fashion: donning a “V for Vendetta” mask, wearing a black sweatshirt with the hood pulled up and speaking while a projector overlays a screen of code in a “Matrix” fashion. How fucking cool is that? It’s like in those action movies where the heist hackers reveal to the public how a corporation or government has been evil all along.

2. If the Avengers were here…

Could you imagine watching the scene in the first “Avengers” when they are all in that circle, staring directly at the threat as they grimly hold their weapons? Steve Rogers would be like, “This isn’t my first fight against a fascist,” and Natasha Romanoff would be so hot in her skintight suit and would personally translate an insult to Russia. #Equality. Boom!

3. I don’t know why the Russian people can’t, like, speak up about this.

I’m just saying if all the Russian people stood up to Putin and were like “no, Putin, we’re actually not doing this,” the whole issue would be resolved with the power of the people. If everyone would just mobilize and be brave for once, we could save thousands of lives. The sheeple need to wake up and leave their propagandic pasture.

4. This kind of feels like we’re living in the lore of the Fallout games.

Yeah, looks like my radio this week will be only playing the Mojave Music selection from Fallout: New Vegas. Seems pretty relevant right now, huh? And that footage of the Ghost of Kyiv? It looks straight out of Arma 3!

5. We are the generation that grew up reading dystopian novels. Putin has no idea what’s coming for him.

In middle school, we devoured The Hunger Games with rapt attention to it as it played across the big screen. We consumed the derivative dystopia YAs that arose from District Thirteen’s ashes: hello, Divergent; bonjour, Matched; how do you do, Uglies? We are a generation of defiant thinkers, of protesting speakers, of the witches you couldn’t burn and the men you couldn’t get to shut the fuck up.

So, Mr. Putin, if you think you can silence us, you have another thing coming. And I have just one more thing to say… Go fuck yourself. Heh.

Post Author: Anna Johns