Bond getting [REDACTED]. graphic by Brennen Gray

Top five COVID curers Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know about

The cure to the ‘Rona is closer than you might think!

1. My Chemical Romance Fans – Band MCR recently announced they are going to stage a comeback. In response, the emo community lost their minds, and with good reason. Almost never before had there been a subculture of people who attached themselves to not just a specific genre of music, but one specific band. But with COVID-19 on the loose, this reunion tour is in jeopardy of cancellation.

It might be safe to say that, in the event of a tour cancellation, the emo community would be robbed more from the virus than anyone else. And so, the MCRmy is mobilizing to end this thing.

Rumor has it Dr. Gerard Way is working with his fans to distill eye-liners into some sort of sedative. They will then use this concoction to anesthetize the infected to perform a surgery where they will literally remove the virus piece by piece. This is okay, I promise.

Elsewhere in the Black Parade, some emos are pooling their resources to stockpile hair dye. They then plan on painting the streets with yellow and black caution lines to remind pedestrians to keep their distance from each other.

Most concerning, the Killjoys have also begun swarming people’s homes and singing “Na Na Na Na Na Na Na” to scare them out of leaving their homes.

2. James Bond – The high-profile Bond film, “No Time To Die,” was postponed due to COVID-19. This spells out a huge problem for 007. The franchise is like non-mainstream Olympic sports: you need a new installment every few years or people will stop caring.

Bond was last seen in a mask being chased out of MI6 headquarters by other agents. In an exclusive interview, Agent Bond spoke of his plan to eradicate the virus.

“Yes I plan on killing it with a hot babe on my arm. Maybe with a pistol that never runs out of bullets,” said Bond as he swirled his martini.

“I think I’ll drop in behind it wearing a white suit. Then I’ll sneak up behind it and snap its neck. If it doesn’t have a neck I’ll shoot it in the knee cap. Then I’ll shoot it in the head. Then I’ll have tea.”

No word yet on where exactly Bond plans on finding the virus. He was last seen getting absolutely obliterated in a casino.

3. “The Simpsons” – Back when they were making harmless predictions about presidents and “Game of Thrones” endings, no one cared. But now that the cartoon has predicted the death of maybe a million people worldwide, people are going to turn on the show. What if. Maybe. Just maybe. They caused the virus so they could get to “predict” another world event?

Bart Simpson has run away from home and is scamming his friends into allowing themselves to be used as test subjects.

Marge has begun a grocery smuggling ring to make sure hoarders don’t take all the damn toilet paper. Lisa is organizing a union.

Homer is eating himself to death. That virus is screwed.

4. Liverpool – You’ll never walk alone! But you might walk away from a historically successful season without the Premier League cup.

The entire soccer team is lining up penalty kicks against the virus.

Mo Salah reportedly nailed it right in the DNA. Virgil van Dijk has defended the world from it, scoring some major infections. Some say he plans on using his jaw line to slice and dice the thing. Mané has been finding a way to strike the virus down with his beautiful form.

The craziest thing about this is how they are planning on teaming up with the emos. Of all the people that want to end the virus, these two formed an unlikely friendship, like “Animal Crossing” and “Doom Eternal.”

Liverpool has started dyeing their hair, and MCR fans are currently training their skills on the pitch. Seriously what the hell is going on.

5. The State-Run Media – BURN THE COLLEGIAN! The State-Fun media is officially mounting its efforts to kill two birds with one stone. By burning all those toxic newspapers, the State-Run media will reduce global toxicity so much that the coronavirus will no longer want to live in.

Down with print journalism! Down with the fake news! Down with millennials! Down with the establishment! Down with the Collegian! YES!

Post Author: Brennen Gray