Trust me, I love Jeff Bezos

To all future employers: please read this instead of my resume.

As the satire editor for the Collegian, I have begun to worry that my future employers will search my name and find a picture of Kevin Stitt smoking a blunt. That might turn off potential job opportunities such as the narcotics division of the FBI, the Kevin Stitt administration or dispensaries that do not want weed to be associated with that loser Kevin. In case you are looking to hire me, please refer to this list of statements which I assure you will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a mindless shill for corporations and will sell my soul for minimum wage and no benefits.

Unions are ruining this great country
Personally I think unionization does more harm than good. When I look at data, I only look at GDP and Nasdaq, and Reagan said unions make those numbers go down and I do not like small numbers. I like big numbers.

Ayn Rand is my favorite author
I really like how she girlbosses those lazy poor people. #slay. She is no doubt the most influential libertarian sci-fi author, other than perhaps L. Ron Hubbard.

I love getting paid poorly with little to no benefits
I am a bit of a sub like that.

I wrote an erotic fanfic of a romance between Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan
I know I am not the first person to do this, but I might be the first person who included a threesome scene in which Henry Kissinger joins. That has to count for something in the job market, right? Lockheed Martin hit me up.

I supported Elon Musk before – and after – it was cool
I do not care what stupid shit that bastard does, his memes are too poggers for him to fail.

I like bad health insurance
Because I cannot afford real health care, I have turned to holistic healing methods which have helped me get in touch with nature, and my spiritual side. I also may have become permanently blue now due to a strong reaction with colloidal silver but I consider that a plus because of how trendy the new “Avatar” film is.

I have no issue working in morally gray – or even explicitly immoral – fields
Send me to go make those missiles, boss! If we need to blow up those “unlawful combatants” I am down. Anything to make the stock numbers go up. I love “Call of Duty.”

I think Jeff Bezos made the right choice of creating one-day shipping instead of solving world hunger
Two days was way too long to wait on my bulk order of Cheetos.

I am perfectly capable of posting civil rights infographics while working full time to prevent systematic change in any way
PR and virtue signaling are my two passions.

I might even consider working for TU if I get desperate enough
I am not going to lie, I would really rather not, but if this is what gets you bourgeoisie bastards to hire me then so be it.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison