Ah, fuck, not the smoke bomb trick again. We really need to check administration’s defense budget. Graphic by Anna Johns

TU Administration shrugs off COVID-19 concerns

Amidst the spread of the contagious Delta variant, TU offers advice to older professors teaching in-person classes: “Ah, well. Good luck.”

The University of Tulsa, well known for its foolproof and incredibly well-liked plans, has issued a new comprehensive statement for its older professors: “Oof, sorry about that, I wish you the best, but there is nothing I can do,” thereby eliminating all legal culpability, and addressing other relevant concerns, like losing donors.

When asked about a comprehensive response plan to the Delta variant, TU’s highly trained contact tracer task force responded to our reporters by asking if we had “checked out our gaming lounge? It has a bunch of cool games and it’s a great place to hang out unmasked,” then immediately threw a smoke bomb and ran away. Our sources have yet to make any contact or track down any trace of the aptly named task force.

An anonymous professor expressed his concerns to TU’s board of trustees about the plan to keep him safe from the increasingly dangerous and transmissible COVID-19 variants, to which they responded that they had an incredibly sophisticated plan, the best plan anyone had ever seen, but he was “simply not cool enough to see it.”

When reached for additional comment from the board directly, a comedically villainous oil baron responded by rubbing his hands together and lamenting that he was “sorry to hear about the danger to the lives of your professors, but if it makes you feel any better, replacing them with an adjunct when they die will save the university loads of money which we can funnel into more gaming lounges.” In the long run, he argued, the student and the stockholder—this being a business after all—would be better off.

A local student who potentially goes here and was standing outside of a frat at 9:45 p.m. on a Tuesday, argued, “I shudt huv tuh wurr uh meask in clus. Urweellion as fucckkk. Uuhno. Iss amos muh budtim.” Many other students echoed his statements, or presumably would have had he been even remotely intelligible. In a contrasting view from another student interview, a nerd student said that he is willing to kiss any amount of professor ass to get good grades, and “if that includes mask wearing, so be it.”

The university has clearly shown its full commitment to handling the virus in a way that best fits the unique perspective of its shareholders and donors. Oh, and also its students and professors, I guess. This comes on the heels of a long held commitment to listening to faculty opinions, especially when they say what we want to hear, and if it isn’t against the views of our donors, and if it is not in some way slightly inconveniencing the student body. A truer commitment has rarely been found in campuses across the nation.

At press time, Brad Carson, newly appointed president of TU, whom I am contractually required to say will take TU in exciting new directions, sent out an email in response to this issue titled “Student and Faculty News of the Week” or some shit. I didn’t read it.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison