Listen, I might not be an astronomy major, but I watched the shit out of “The Magic School Bus” when I was a kid, so I think I know what I’m talking about. Anyway, here are the ten best planets in the world.
1] Venus: If I remember right, Venus was the Greek Goddess of sex, so naturally the planet they named after her has to be the best. It’s probably got, like, volcanoes made out of diamonds or something. Also, it’s close to Earth, but not too close, so it’s got a flirty thing going on.
2] Saturn: The most famous gassy giant (except for your mom), Saturn is known for its rings, which are made out of dust, rock and ice. We can’t visit it, because there’s no solid ground, but we can admire it from afar, much like your high school crush.
3] Mars: Earth’s closest neighbor. The robot explorers sent by humans have given us lots of exciting information about the nature of its featureless wastelands.
4] Uranus: Haa ha ha haa ha ha haaa. Get it?
5] The Sun: It gives us warmth, light and basically allows life to exist. It’s easy to see how the sun has become one of the best planets of all time.
6] Pluto: While little is known about this far-away planet, it gets a nod for being covered in ice all the time, making the landscape look like a Norwegian black metal album cover.
7] Jupiter: I don’t remember anything about this one, but I had to put it somewhere.
8] Mercury: This planet is a straight up toxic wasteland, so it doesn’t really have much going for it in terms of tourism value. It does, however, get a nod for being the closest planet to the sun, which takes some serious balls. You go, Mercury.
9] Asteroid Belt: Just like a regular belt keeps your pants up so the world doesn’t have to look at your genitals, the asteroid belt fences off our side of the solar system from the less desirable outer neighborhood. Thanks, asteroid belt, for keeping the riff-raff out.
10] Earth: Finally, at the bottom of the list, is Earth. With war, famine, country-rock and just humanity in general, Earth has time and again proven itself as the worst possible place to be. Thank God for global warming.