TU wireless finally calls it quits, subsequent student productivity up 82 percent

After slogging through year after year of providing students with slow speeds and spotty coverage, TU’s wireless network finally gave out last Wednesday.

Witnesses report that both TUwireless and TUwpa were not connecting to the internet as of Wednesday afternoon. Chaos ensued for the next several hours, as students raided the C-store for to-go meals prepared for the Rapture. The biggest surprise came from teachers the next day, though.

“I just couldn’t believe it,” said mathematics professor Christian Constanda. “Everyone came in with their homework done and students actively participated in class, rather than attempting to stare at their phones under their desks. I honestly don’t know what to make of it.”

The phenomenon is present throughout campus, as students and teachers alike have noticed more homework and studying getting done in less time than ever before.

“I mean, I couldn’t just tab back and forth between five different social networking sites all afternoon, so I had some tough choices to make,” said engineering sophomore Jake Pearson. “I either could go outside, which would require talking to other human beings, or I could buckle down and get some work done.”

Pearson further admitted, “the prospect of actually holding a conversation with someone that’s not in text messages terrifies me, so it was a simple choice, really. Now I’m on track to get a 4.0 this semester.”

Junior Katie Anderson stated she “couldn’t believe just how much it impacted my schedule. I finished all my work so quickly, I think I might actually do the reading for class, even though there’s no quiz.”

The transition hasn’t been without its hiccups though. Students who were procrastinating from online homework when the network went down quickly realised that they were in a dire situation, where they could neither do their homework, nor continue procrastinating.

In response, and because they don’t have anything better to do, the psych department has offered free counseling to any students affected by the loss of internet service.

At press time the IT department was hard at work getting the wireless network back up and running, and planned to give students free subscriptions to Netflix in order to bring grades back down to reasonable levels.

Post Author: tucollegian

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