New movie poster for a documentary about the Tulsa Driller and his recent kills. graphic by Conner Maggio

Tulsa Driller sealed away for our safety

Oral Roberts clerics preserve Tulsa’s shrine to the oil business for another 1,000 years.

The Demon Driller, after a difficult battle waged by level 20 clerics from Oral Roberts University, has been sealed inside the massive landmark of Expo Square known as The Tulsa Golden Driller yet again. Tulsa is now safe from the unmatched dungeon boss.

Now that his firebreath, super strength and mansplaining are sealed within a giant golden cage custom made for the demon himself, the city can celebrate another millennium of peace.

More important than the defeat of the demon, the statue itself commemorates the fact that Tulsa relies on an oil-only economy. Keeping the Demonic Driller inside the giant golden landmark sends the correct message that Tulsa should only be characterized by its ties to the oil industry and nothing else.

Avid tourist Anita Vacay of Sunnyday, Nevada, expressed her interest in the driller. “There are so many landmarks in Tulsa that are way better, but this one is special because it keeps a massive demon monster at bay. Gee, making the Golden Driller the symbol of Tulsa sure does make me think there is nothing but oil there, but that is OK!”

The showdown to keep Tulsa safe occured on Friday, March 1 at 8 p.m. The ORU clerics were tasked with both sealing the demon and keeping him contained within the area to prevent it from wreaking havoc on downtown’s First Friday activities.

Tulsan Ron E. Scared recounted the events.“The Tulsa Driller, praise be to oil, began shaking and rumbling like he was real mad about something. Then all these old people dressed in cult robes started using their magic on him! I was worried that our great city of Tulsa, praise be to oil, was going to fall to the darkness!”

Many Tulsans shared this experience, saying the battle was loud and fierce. People as far as Bartlesville claimed to have seen some of the sparks fly. This was reportedly the most difficult demon-sealing in recorded history.

“We had five of us, all level-20 clerics, converge on the site. We had all majored in Defense Against the Dark Arts at school, so we thought we were prepared,” said Hal A. Luyah. He then shed a single tear.

“Our ancestors first fought the Golden Driller 4,000 years ago, but none of them sustained our losses. This time, only me and Cleric Jimmy N. Amen survived.” Clerics Meg A. Church, E. van Jelical and Christian McChristiansworth all fell in battle.

But many Tulsans argue that the tragedy was worth it. When it comes to the guaranteed safety of the masses, no price can be too much to pay, especially if it keeps Tulsa associated with the oil industry forever.

The Golden Driller’s fire breath and the clerics’ spells combined to look hauntingly similar to a good Fourth of July fireworks show. Local art-lover George Kaiser commented on the spectacle.“I liked it,” he said.

And so, with the Demon Driller sealed inside the Tulsa Golden Driller, Tulsa can rest easy knowing that the massive dungeon boss will not rise again for another 1,000 years and that it can continue to use the landmark as the definitive symbol for its economy long after the oil industry is gone.

Still no word on why the federal government, the Catholic church and other religious institutions, or literally anyone else, is not allowed to fight the dungeon boss.

Post Author: Brennen Gray