TU’s Starfish system authorizes professors to reward student success with sweet little kisses

The Starfish interface hopes to facilitate student success with the sweetest, warmest, kindest brush of the lips.

TU’s recently established Starfish interface seeks to bolster student success and cultivate productive interactions between students, faculty and staff. This faculty-driven system acts as an intermediary between student and professor, allowing the professor to send academic feedback for their students. This feedback ranges from professors flagging concerns regarding a student’s classroom conduct to delivering gentle kisses as a reward for students who are doing well.

The system works like this: the professor goes through their list of students and clicks on the individual they wish to offer feedback. From there, they can choose to raise a flag, place a referral or bestow an itty-bitty kissie wissie. If the professor selects the last option, the student receives an email with the subject, “Message from TU’s Starfish system Kudos!” The body of the email says something generically complimentary about the professor officially recognizing the student’s efforts, and then the final sentences declare: “Keep up the good work. An envoy will intercept you between classes to give you a congratulatory little smoochie woochie!”

As the prophecy foretells, the student later receives a small, tender whisper of a kiss from a TU administrator. Student feedback for this system has been overwhelmingly positive; for some, this sweet little academic peck is the only piece of affection that they will receive all semester, and that’s enough to keep the engine rolling, baby. Other students report that these teeny-tiny kisses really validate their work.

A representative for Student Access comments on the system’s positive reviews. “Of course, we know you love the Starfish system,” the representative says. “That’s because you’re the bestest, cutest student—yes you are, yes you are—and you’re such a smol bean, a cinnamon roll, too good and pure for this world!”

The representative continues, “And you pay the bestest, sweetest little tuition, don’t you, my light, fluffy angel food cake? You really nailed that obligatory discussion post last week—yes you did, yes you did!”

These platitudes from Starfish may feel empty, but it’s the thought that counts, right? “If our lip-based rewards aren’t inspiring you to keep at those books, champ, then we don’t know what to tell you,” TU’s Counseling and Psychological Services reports in an official statement. “Get prescribed Zoloft or something? Maybe you’re just, like, really toxic or something, and your roommate is probably right about you.”

As of publishing, the writer and editors of this article also request an itsy-bitsy juicy little kiss from anyone who read this and liked it. Meet us in the Collegian Office; we will be wearing the yellow rose on our lapel.

Post Author: Anna Johns